Ramblings and Rumblings

A Decade Ago....

2012-01-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking back to a time, a decade ago, where we here in my little town were visited by an incredible array of international visitors.

In 1994, when the announcement was made that Salt Lake City would be hosting the Winter Olympics, I watched the news and thought to myself "That's going to be a lot of work. I want a piece of it."

I spent the next several years doing things that prepared me to work somewhere on the production crews for the events, but I had no idea exactly in what position.
In January of 2001 a friend approached me about forming a new corporation to do production work. We had worked together at another couple of production companies around town, I respected the guy and felt like this might be a good thing to do for a while.
So we started us a new little company and started doing a few gigs around town for a couple of customers.

Things were going along great, we had a relationship with an event producer who was closely tied to the Governor's office. We were working along, designing a killer 'Welcome to Utah' type event, tied with the arrival of the Olympic torch to Salt Lake City and the arrival of a number of dignitaries, including Presidents of several countries and ambassadors from a bunch more.
I'm thinking that my Non-Disclosure Agreement has finally expired, so I can make public the designs for said event:

It was shaping up to be the adventure of a lifetime.

Then 9/11 happened. Everything got more difficult and expensive. We had already begun background checks. They tripled in difficulty.
The big welcome event was eventually cancelled. Secret Service determined that El Presidente was not to be on the steps of the State Capitol building.
We did end up doing a smaller presidential event inside a building.
For the same client, we ended up doing the VIP hospitality suite near the Medals Plaza, where we hosted heads of state, entertainers, athletes, media and a whole bunch of wannabe VIPs. Over the span of a week, installing sound, lighting and video systems, I crawled through the basement(s), attics, utility access holes and tunnels (yes, it's true) of this building. The other thing, it's haunted. Very very haunted.
Word to the wise: don't go in a bathroom right after Katie Couric...

Another client was AT&T, who had a large marketing tent in a parking lot. I spent several days of my life under this tent chiseling frozen cable out of the ice. (Cable gets warm when it has electricity running through it- then melting nicely down into the ice) Glamorous indeed.
Monster.com created a giant snow maze in Park City. We spent 2 months planning the lighting and sound systems, dealing with ridiculous city ordinances and permits and regulation. It turned out OK.

Another client hooked us up with a sweet gig:
Projection for the closing ceremonies.
We spent 2 weeks building projection towers above the stadium, visible in this picture as the white-shrouded elements on the roof.

The projectors were 12x12,000 watt Pani Projectors- a fairly old technology, basically a big filmstrip projector (although computer controlled and super cool)

Highlights of the event:

Watching Moby soundcheck 2 songs for 4 hours. We (the crew and I) snuck down into the stands, right by his stage. at the end of every song, we would clap and scream loudly, making Mr. Melville blush and giggle. After a couple times of this, he was actively playing with us, watching us, making jokes and laughing though the endless camera rehearsals. A good time.
I learned that Gloria Estefan, Harry Connick Jr., Christina Aguilera, Bon Jovi and Kiss all lip-sync their TV performances.
Waited in a security line with Ms. Aguilera and her beefcake bouncer.
Rode an elevator with Mr. Connick Jr.
Sat in a meeting with Rudy Guiliani
Defaced KISS's stage with the words "KISS SUCKS" with all the "S" shapes in the lightning bolt shape. On the floor right in front of Gene Simmons.

So the real reason we were there was to do the projection for the show. How big was our screen you ask?
Ever been on a football field? Yeah. Bigger than that.
We unveiled the logo for the Torino Winter games in 2006.
Here are some pictures of the projections:

And a video courtesy of YouTube:

And some sage words from my friend and co-worker John Chapman, talking about a long night and a 1 mile walk.
The picture displays the scenario described:

The first 60 or 70 feet weren’t bad at all. By the time we reached the shop, we were trading arms and shoulders every thirty paces. The last park we walked through was, until recently, a gathering place for the homeless crowd. I _never_ imagined myself walking through it at night, much less at 1 am. Much less with a light show bouncing between the both of us. Somewhere, there are a few pictures of that night.
One last story:
One of our clients for the month was the Italian group that will host the next set of games. We spent a few days building three projector towers on top of the stadium. Each tower had around 7K pounds of concrete blocks on the base, to provide stability. Getting all those rocks from bottom to top was a project all by itself. Getting them from top to bottom was much more...amusing.
Anyway, the roof slopes down to the center, and is peppered with storm drains. One of our guys was cleaning up the space and found a 2 gallon cooler full of hot cocoa - the kind made with milk. It had looong since expired, so he poured it down the drain.
A few minutes later, a union light guy burst through the elevator door, seething with anger and firmly convinced that he’d been “*#$%&*^$% puked on.”
It turns out that the storm drains don’t make it all the way to the bottom of the building. Rather, they go down a few floors, then turn _in_ to the stadium. Unfortunately, this guy was clinging to a lighting truss with both hands and all ten toes when it happened.

I hope the statute of limitations has looong since expired....

So what did this 10 week experience give me?
It saved my company in the post-9/11 world from certain failure. All over the country, companies were failing- but in SLC, everyone was boosted by the injection of extra work.
Personally I was able to pay off enough debt that I bought a house. And three other people on my crew were able to do the same...

Calm

2011-12-11T12:20:00.000-07:00

Semi calm.

More excited than I should be.

Almost home from the last gig of the year.
I am overwhelmed with a zenness.

Peace and love.
P.

Major Leagues

2011-11-30T14:16:00.001-07:00

I've spent the last 18 hours on a knife edge. Filling in.
Called up from the late-career minor leagues.
When a co-worker had a family emergency, I have been filling in in a role I've not been in for a while. In a room that is huge. For a client that has extremely high standards for their shows.

With no warning.

The phone rings.
My audio guy says "My dad is going to be dead by morning..." and he is obviously hyperventilating.
I grab a bottle of water and begin walking from backstage to where he is sitting. I realize this is it... I'm walking the green mile. This is a one way walk. I'm the only other guy in this town that knows the audio for this show. I'm going to be taking his place.
I stand with him for a minute, he gives me 2 minutes of briefing on how he has set up the system. Then they grab him by the arm, put him in a cab and take him to the airport. You see, we're a 5 hour flight from where he had to be.
I used to frequently do gigs like this, but this client has risen our work standards to a level that is above me. I spend more time managing than running shows. The guy who I have as our audio guy is very good. Top notch. Today I'm a substandard tech- luckily he spent 3 weeks designing a good system for this space. luckily he had time to get it running and tweaked out. Because I have no freaking idea how to do it or where to start something this size.
I've been that A-list guy- in a world that has now turned into a mural in the museum of production. I've had my moments.
Now I'm the epitome of 'jack of all trades, master of none' I know a stupid amount of stuff about a stupid amount of stuff. but can't put it together.
It's like knowing where all the pieces of the 3000 piece puzzle are located, what they are, what to do with them. But being unable to put together more than a few pieces before losing focus.

But for one day, I got to play like a big boy again.

Thanks

2011-11-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

Time for the obligatory end-of-the-year thanks and gratitude.
I like pie.
and I like my dog.

I am thankful for Moncton. And for sunny rainy days.

I'm grateful for things that are buried deep inside, never to be revealed.

This year has taught me more than a few lessons about things, and I'm relieved to say that I have survived more or less, and should be ready for more in just a few weeks. Hope you're all ready for me to come out of the gate with a newly invigorated focus and intensity. Enough of this calm, vanilla soft-serve. I'm an iceberg, I'm a razor sharp pencil, this next couple years will be the simultaneous end of the beginning and beginning of the end. Finally.

Gnight John-boy.

11/11/11

2011-11-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

Happy Nigel Tufnel day!

'Tis the loudest day of each century.

November 1

2011-11-01T18:07:00.000-06:00

11-1-11
I suppose that the numerologist in me should be excited about this day, but it took me most of the day to realize how truly fantastic this date was.
In a few days, we'll have the Veterinarian's Day date debacle: 11/11/11. I'll certainly be happier about that.
This year, I've been beat into submission to the point that most of the stuff I'm usually happy about is just forgotten in favor of apathy, grumpiness, sadness and stress.
Numbers I do like this year:
101
21
69
123
1

Numbers I hate this year
29
3
some others.

Happy eleventh month!
~P

sad

2011-10-20T13:44:00.002-06:00

I'm sad.

Memories

2011-10-15T18:44:00.000-06:00

Dearest readers, subscribers, stalkers and spammers:
Remember back in the olden days (a couple years ago) when I used to have time and energy to post witty, illustrated blogs all the time?
I remember too, and I'm bummed that I haven't had time to work up a decent post in a while.
Looking forward to hunkering down this winter and returning to form.
Thank you for your patience.
-P

Frivolity

2011-10-11T19:27:00.000-06:00

I have lately taken to spurting out nonsensical nonsense in an effort to distract from the fact that I'm tired, cranky, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, annoyed, interested, apathetic, saucy, uptight, happy, sad, mellow, mad, buzzed, hung, scared, full, hungry, broke, broken, smelly, nervous, evil, misguided, wasted, stunted, ecstatic, lackadaisical, lonely, cranky, stuck, willful and yearning.
(no Oxford Commas for me)
I tend to make funnies when things are the most dire. And they are.
*tickle tickle*

Lolly

2011-10-11T16:35:00.000-06:00

Blah.
Stein.

Very

2011-10-08T19:28:00.002-06:00

Very sorry.

I'm

2011-10-04T17:24:00.003-06:00

Sorry.

Running...

2011-10-01T15:15:00.000-06:00

...yet standing still
Life has provided for me plentiful opportunities to be happy. I usually choose to look at the underside of the plate.
I've had lots of chances to be hyper-successful, yet I choose the path that makes me more happy, more gratified- regardless of the cost or consequences.

My work has taken me places I never imagined it would. Yet I loathe it.
My personal life is non-existent, most due to the aforementioned work problem.
I feel like I'm one bad afternoon away from tossing the whole thing in the garbage. In fact I know I am.

I had the chance, a few months ago, to pull out gracefully, to exit stage left, to pursue a new path. But through my selfish actions and arrogant inaction, I rocked the boat far too much for anyone's comfort- now I'm stuck where I am until time ends.
And I'm not happy about it.

Must. Find. Alternatives.

As I continue to slash and burn, crash and turn against all those that are closest to me, please be patient, I'm merely an adolescent. A very dramatic, shallow, broken, terrified kid stuck in the game of the big boys.

Trimmed

2011-09-24T22:20:00.000-06:00

I have shorn the extra growth.
Removed the offending protrusions.
Hacked off the obnoxious stuff.
Performed a toxicectomy.
Lost half the nonsense.

Gasping for Air

2011-09-23T20:21:00.000-06:00

Time to write a little bit about why i haven't been writing much.
First and foremost, I'm unbelievably busy and it doesn't look to be ending anytime soon. And even if that happens, I'm talking maybe a few days off in December. But those days are likely to be filled up with preparation for the next wave of chaos.

I've also been trying to spend my little bit of downtime nurturing friendships and making things work better with friends and family. I've reached a point in life where the people around me are more important than my own needs. I've been a very selfish and naughty boy in the past and it has burned me.
I can not apologize enough to the people who I have treated badly, who I have hurt, to those who I have neglected and to those who I owe a debt of some kind.

One of these days I'm going to find new balance and pleasure in life. For now it's just trying to keep my head above water, or at least snagging enough air whenever my head pops up to get me through the rough times.

Contrasts

2011-09-01T00:41:00.000-06:00

A couple years ago, I posted about 'Soundtracking'- my word for the act of playing specific music while engaged in activities of various types.
As much as I love this, I love even more the idea of contrasting the soundtrack with what else is going on around me- much like listening to heavy metal while at church, I like to create crazy contrasts.
Recent examples: Mozart while riding motorcycles.
The Jazz Butcher while shopping at WalMart.
Durutti Column while working in the yard.
Love and Rockets while watching "The Hunger"

Hello...

2011-08-14T23:01:00.000-06:00

...to all the stalkers, psychopaths, spammers, dirtbags, degenerates, weasels, and random felons who may stop by here.
And a more hearty hello to my friends, my friends' friends, the friends of my friends' friends and all my family. I wish to tell you all that I'm still alive and doing just fine.
"I hear the roar of a big machine..."

Banana Bread

2011-07-23T10:17:00.006-06:00

I am glad people like it.
I am glad it makes you all so happy.
I am glad that it is so delicious.
I am glad to let you all have as much as you want, because I will not have to eat it.
I am glad to announce that if I were ever stuck on a desert island, the last thing I would consume to maintain this mortal coil would be banana bread. I would choose to be castrated by a shark and killed by pirates before eating any of that sticky-skinned loaf of sweet slime.

Enjoy your snack.

-er

2011-07-23T10:16:00.000-06:00

shocker
--_-
rocker
-_ _-
spocker
-- --
dutcher
-- -_

I'm still alive

2011-07-23T10:13:00.002-06:00

See?

Havent been killed by pirates yet, although one tried to sneak up on me at breakfast this morning.

Losing It

2011-07-11T05:49:00.002-06:00

I keep checking in here to see if I have written anything new.

halfway

2011-07-01T18:56:00.022-06:00

Year half over. Yes!

hope everyone is good.

Why The Hell Do I Feel Like This?

2011-06-16T20:07:00.002-06:00

I still think about James. Every Day. All Day. There's a void. I feel guilt. I wish I hadn't neglected my friend. I wish he hadn't let me neglect him.
I have tried to fill up the hole with a number of different things- it's not going to work. I will keep filling. I will keep trying. It's not going to work.
I don't have the energy to keep trying things to mend the pain.
My efforts seem to be falling short in everything. I need to find success in something.

I wish I didn't feel like this.

Battle of the Sexes

2011-06-12T10:19:00.003-06:00

So I've noticed something lately, and it makes me wonder:
Why when I hike do I end up all funky and musky smelling, but ladies seem to maintain their sweet delicate smell?
It's pretty much universal- when I pass a lady on the trail, she smells as sweet as the air inside a candy shop. But as soon as that smell dilutes, it's back to me marinating in my own sweaty nastiness.

It isn't fair! *begin tantrum*

Stale

2011-06-11T11:52:00.003-06:00

I've been in a funk a bit lately.
Perhaps I have bruised my mojo somewhere along the line.
Maybe I'm suffering from clinical depression.
Maybe I have realized that the hill is indeed a downward trip from here.
Most likely I have overspent my take and need to contribute a bit more to the give.
I think that I need to rebalance and regain the things that seem to be missing, the spark, the catalyst, the muse.

Holy Geewillikers!

2011-05-31T16:29:00.003-06:00

Recreational handling of the byproduct produced by the combination of fuel, excessive temperatures and an oxidizer can occasionally cause uncomfortable irritation.

Reckless

2011-05-29T08:37:00.002-06:00

Yeah, that's me. Over-the-top random action with little thought to the conclusion.

Out of control.

Sitting in the uncomfortable place between big actions and the fallout/complications/consequences.

xoxo

Scary Guy is soooooo pissed off right now

2011-05-24T07:55:00.003-06:00

Yeah.
So we have a ghostie at the house.
There are numerous things that have happened over the past 9 (!) years that have proven to me, over and over, that there's someone else living here.
We (several of the residents of the casa) have determined that it is centralized to the laundry room, although occasionally we've seen him in front of the house and around the other rooms. He seems to be a window peeker.
Our poor mutt sleeps in the laundry room, and she will often bark psychotically at the windows at night.

Well, inexplicably about 2 years ago, the paint on the walls and ceiling in the living room began to peel. In giant sheets. It looks like a bomb went off. Or so I thought before this morning.

Today, the bomb really went off. Really. There's suddenly a 3' diameter hole in the sheetrock, a giant pile of insulation and crappy plaster/sheetrock on the floor, and the dog looks like she's seen a ghost.

And I'm cleaning stuff up.

There's nothing like a little distraction when I'm trying to do something else.

The Modern World.

2011-05-23T08:26:00.002-06:00

I'm absolutely amazed at the information that flows about in the modern world.

You see, I'm a bit of a music fan and it gives me joy to gain insight into the private and personal goings on of the artists that I admire.

Twitter, Facebook, the WorldWideWeb, Email and texting have replaced printed newsletters and postcards.
The best thing is that we can get these updates in real-time.

I've had pretty personal contact with some of my favorite artistes.
Via Twitter: Silent Bob, His Holiness The Dalai Lama, Karl Bartos of Kraftwerk, Tony James of Generation X/Sigue Sigue Sputnik/Sisters of Mercy/CarbonSilicon.
In the old days (Email) I had correspondence with Elizabeth Fraser, Simon Raymonde and Robin Guthrie of ye olde Cocteau Twins, Midge Ure and Bono.
Postcards/letters/etc? I have signed stuff from Midge Ure, Natalie Merchant, All the Sex Pistols but Sid, Big Audio Dynamite and a few more.

I find it strangely comforting to know that Nick Laird-Clowes is still around, and getting his updated vacation updates is kind of relaxing.

Wow

2011-05-23T07:50:00.001-06:00

I just deleted a post that was looking to be the nastiest, least pleasant thing I've ever written.

Consider yourselves lucky.

I need to get out and get a breath of fresh air- purge all this festering evil.

Peace and kittens to everyone.

Hey

2011-05-19T19:29:00.002-06:00

Wassup.

I've finally hit the point that I think this chapter of my life is drawing to a close.
All the miles, smiles, laughter, stress and chaos.

All wrapped up in a nice little bundle of: I've wanted out since day one. I had no idea that the story would keep dragging on for as long as it has.

So the last bit of the chapter is:
"He waved oncoming traffic around the truck as the crazed driver shouted at him through the window. At the first sign of a break, the driver gunned the engine. The truck, all 68,000 pounds of it, jerked and groaned into the road. As he slammed the doors on the truck, 25 years of momentum and memories creaked, groaned and passed before the eyes of the broken man.
Not sure what was coming next, he walked inside to wash his hands."

And so the story ends, on a dirty loading dock in Atlanta, Georgia.

25%

2011-05-09T21:00:00.000-06:00

In this post, kind of a New Year's Resolution type post, I stated the ridiculous idea that I was going to hike to the Y east of Provo 52 times this year. That's once a week for those of you who are chronologically challenged.
This 1000 foot climb is a nicely groomed trail, often populated by families, scout groups, coeds wearing flip-flops, old ladies wearing pink sweats and topless grandpas.
At an average slope of 17%, this is steeper than pretty much any road around. Down is just as strenuous as up- the strain on your knees and feet is pretty harsh. It can be a pretty intense workout. My lungs and heart are slowly adjusting to the stresses. My knees and legs are in pretty good shape, considering 2 years ago I couldn't make it to the top every time I attempted it. I can make it now. And I finally feel like I've mastered it.
Well, we are now a little over 1/3 through the year, and I've just hit 25% of my goal. The snowy, cold months at the top of the calendar year don't make it easy to keep up this kind of schedule. I do have until about Christmas to get it all completed. (2 years ago I spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve on the Y)
I started a long time before the weather really allowed for it, hiking my first couple times up in snow, mud and ice.
I usually listen to music, entrancing myself and soundtracking the experience. I've had some very serendipitous experiences, some of which give me chills and some that reduce me to tears. And I'm not going to relate them here. That's personal stuff. Wouldn't want you all to think I'm a ninny.

Here's a log of the first 13 trips:
1- 2/13 3pm 56 deg. trail half mud, 1/3 snow. Guy sitting near the Y, singing at the top of his lungs, pure joy. 1 hr up. 32 mins down.
2- 3/6 8:30am 44 deg. Racing the rain. 45 up. Snow starts at the top. 33 minutes down.
3- 3/31 1:20pm 61 deg trail dry. 50 mins up. Downright pleasant. Light breeze from the north. 33 mins down
4- 4/2 3:15pm 73 deg saturday. Lots of cars at trailhead. Kids and families. 12 mins to turn 2. Water me.rain turn 3. Run 5-6. 34 mins to turn 10. Turn 12 question: here or up one more. Answer from ipod: new order "Turn" 42 mins to top. Wind blows. Time to leave. 4:05pm 33 mins down. Knees best yet. Heels feel blistery. They are blistery.
5- 4/11 1:50pm 55 deg. Looks snowy from the parking lot. Turn 7 rocks 23 mins. Phone calls at 5 and 8.5. Mud above turn 7. Slush and mud after 9. 44 minutes to top.
2:50 start down. 30 min down.
6- 4/12 11:26Am. Snow level better. 50 deg rain coming. 10% season at turn 2. 11:34am. 11:51 turn 7 rocks. 12:11 top. 45 mins. 12:20 depart. Strange junkie withdrawal couple. 32 mins down.
I think I sprained my toe. Sore muscles. Was intending on every day. Took 3 day break.
7- 4/16 9:40am Spring Break saturday. What am I thinking?
Oh crap. Well, I can tell how I injured my toe. Abort, abort.
7- 4/24 8:52 am toe sprain better.41 deg. Shroud of cloud. Taking it slow for safety. 9:38 top. 48 mins.10:08 leave top. 38 mins down. 55 deg.
8- 4/26. 6:25pm rain day. Start 6:45. Clear now. Nice cold wind. Team hiking. Uptime unknown Round trip time 1:25.
9- 4/28 4:15pm super family group walk 67 deg. 5:20 top. 1:05? I'm a slacker. 31 mins down with a good long stop.
10- 5/1 11:20am. Snow yesterday. 45 deg. and dry today First day in shorts. 20 mins to 10.4, 20% pause to rest. 12:12 top. 52 mins with good long breaks. 12:23 start down. 12:56 33 mins.
11- 5/6 6:15am. 49 degs. Empty parking lot. 6:55 top. 40 mins. Kid running to top with dog. 7:05 down. 7:38 end 33 mins.
12- 5/8 8:55am 63 degs. Sunday. Clouds are coming. 9:33 top. 38 mins. Blog at 7- rocks. I need a nap. 9:50 head down 10:24 end. 34 mins.
13- 5/9 6:45 pm 46 degrees. Rainy. Muddy. Run turns 4-6. 7:23 top. 38 minutes. Head Clear. Mind Racing. 8:15 bottom 37 minutes

Should I be scared?

2011-05-08T09:16:00.001-06:00

For the first time, it isn't if, but when. Of this I have no doubt.
How still needs to be resolved, but I'm sure it will fall into place.

I'm terrified.

Bloodlust

2011-05-02T21:56:00.003-06:00

I don't know how I feel about the celebratory celebrations regarding the death/assassination/martyrdom of Osama Bin Laden.
The one thing I know: I am not at all comfortable with people being 'happy' that another person has died.
Bad dude? Yes.
Did he have some kind of negative karma built up that might include negative consequences? Yes.
Did the USA have a reasonable reason to rain down terror and pain upon his head? Again yes.
But I don't think, for one moment, that the world is better with people celebrating the death of another human.
It's barbaric.
It's horrifyingly revolting.
And I'm not going to do it.

No amount of national pride, 'justice' or skewed sense of morals can justify to me that this is the best way.

“Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that”
— Martin Luther King Jr.

I will not become a monster in order to defeat a monster.

I Remember When

2011-04-29T20:24:00.002-06:00

5 years ago, things changed forever. 4/29/2006
A Saturday night in Nevada created an unbelievable amount of chaos.
Standby for years of shockin', motorboatin', and hangin' out.
Flash it and stash it.

It's all passing before my eyes and my mind faster than I can comprehend. Flashes and stashes of memories. All kinds of good and bad. up, down, wrong, right, back, forth, to, fro.

It has taken me every bit of the last 1826 days to get to this point. And even then I can barely function most of the time.
I'm afraid I can only move on if I replace another unhealthy obsession with another.

You Know What I Hate?

2011-04-27T17:30:00.002-06:00

People that unfriend me without warning on FaceBook.

Bastards.

At least give me a chance to offend you one more time.

Random Restless

2011-04-23T19:19:00.003-06:00

I'm itching to do something.

Hoping this post happens without any typos. Might be the first time all year.

My mind is racing. My head is pounding. My recent default activities are starting to bore me.

So I blog on Easter Eve from home.

Maybe I should make some holiday goodies. No. Fat people eat goodies.
Maybe I should watch a movie. No. I can't imagine a more boring way to spend an evening.
Maybe I should chuck pissed off birds at grinning green pigs. That's a better idea.

Out.

Drive

2011-04-23T08:23:00.002-06:00

I used to get things finished.
All my life I've had little lists of things to do- I think some people call them 'ToDo Lists' or something.
For many years I was able to organize these into a constant flow of things to... ermmmm.... do, and then actually get them done. Finished. Complete.
One day I took on a whole bunch of extra stuff. I've been playing catchup ever since.
What changed? I felt like I was responsible for adding value to the universe on behalf of my dead friends.
When my close friends decided to start keeling over, drowning, disappearing, shooting themselves, falling off cliffs and otherwise shuffling off this mortal coil, I felt like the best thing I could do in their memory was to give as much as possible to others.
I spend my time constantly giving my excess means and time to people and causes that might need it more than me. I do this in the memory of my lost friends.
It consumes me. And it means I'm constantly playing catch-up in all my commitments elsewhere.

So ultimately this proves to me one thing. I'm running. Running so hard and fast that I'll eventually collapse.
The question remains: Am I running from or running toward something?

Dear Nelf Extraordinaire:

2011-04-21T17:23:00.005-06:00

You're a dick.

Love, me.

PS: Video games are for sucks.

I've Seen It All

2011-04-20T17:01:00.009-06:00

So I'm a bit of a music freak. I love music, old new, most types. My preference leans hard toward the nostalgic stuff- New Wave from the 1980s. That's what I grew up on, it was the soundtrack of my coming-of-age.
A short timeline:
I was into Michael Jackson and the top 40 of the day back in 1983 or so. The top 40 then was a strange mishmash of country, rock, new wave, prog-rock, rap and soul.
Somehow got a clue that I needed to hear this tune 'Tour de France'. I went to Musicland in the mall, the clerks didn't know anything about it, nor could they find it in their huge printed catalog (remember the big yellowbooks?)
A helpful customer pointed out that the song was by a band called 'Craftverk' he also let me know that the store actually had a 12" single in stock. So I bought it. Still have it.
That song was the bridge that showed me there was something more.
The actual song that changed my life was 'Bring on the Dancing Horses', but that's a story that has been told before. I'm thinking now about other things I heard around that time, mostly on KOHS: 'Love Vigilantes' 'Rise' 'South Central Rain' and a couple of strange tunes: 'E=MC2' and 'Medicine Show' by a strange band called Big Audio Dynamite. I knew there was some kind of famous guy in this band, but I didn't know who/how/why it mattered. B.A.D. quickly became one of my favorites.
Fast Forward about 9 years, I still loved B.A.D... Time to name my kids. The first boy was easy: Ian. That's the name of so many people I admire and respect.
The second came pretty easy as well. Mick Jones. (Actually he's Jon Mickay, but from birth intended to call him Mick- then he became Jon- although he still answers to Mick)
Mick Jones (that lives at my house) is 16 now.
Mick Jones (from The Clash, B.A.D. and Carbon/Silicon) is 55 now, a member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for his work with The Clash, and still lives in London.
Mick was convinced to bring B.A.D. back to life to play some festivals this year. The first date announced was Coachella in California- The remainder of the US tour was merely 2 dates: LA and New York.
I got an email from someone close to the band (I'm on some mailing lists and have communicated with people involved with this group a few times over the years) that there were still a few tickets available for the NYC show on April 19, 2011.
I quickly counted up my pennies, checked my frequent flier mile balance and my hotel travel perks. It was going to be possible...
Monday, fly to NYC- arrive at 11:45pm
Tuesday, travel into the city to explore, adventurize and enjoy a little entertainment. I saw Times Square, again.

I saw a funky cathedral for the first time (Even went inside and it didn't explode from the added weight of all my evilness.)

After a hefty dinner, joined the queue.

Here's the poster in the window of the venue.

Roseland Ballroom, capacity 3200ish
We get there early, buy some schwag and take a place in the crowd. On the rail Stage Right, immediately in front of Don Letts. Normally I spend my time on the Stage Left side of the stage, a habit I picked up watching New Order and Love and Rockets in the 1980s. I can make an exception.
Gig was played.

Band was good.

I sang every word and according to the people around me, giggled like a schoolgirl throughout the show.

Last year, after being yelled at for not singing by Johnny Rotten, I resolved to sing more at gigs.

Even danced a little.

This is the biggest thing I could have ever seen, the last possible thing on my list that I've never seen (I'd love to see Joy Division or The Clash, but the dead guys prevent that.)
Picked up a piece of personalized schwag, wandered out into the street and stumbled home.

I am reminded of my audition for 'The Sound of Music' in 1988, when Chester and I auditioned with a rocking version of 'C'mon Every Beatbox.' garnering both a standing ovation from the audition audience and offers of leading roles in the play. (For the record, CW played Mick Jones and I was Don Letts)

I never got to do things like this until I separated myself from the influence of my parental units. I feel compelled to do things like this now.
It soothes a wound that I can't describe.
And the wound is closing. Drying up. Shrinking. If I keep it up I'll be all fixed up just in time to die of old age or unfortunate circumstances.

Out.

Chasing The Dragon

2011-04-19T07:35:00.001-06:00

Every now and then, something comes up that I feel like I must jump at.
At work, I collect frequent flier miles, free flights, hotel credits and stuff like that.
I am chasing a plug for the empty hole, the overwhelming sense that I missed out on something in the past.
Certain things happen and I feel gutted that I can't be a part of them.
So now I'm blessed (cursed?) to be able to chase these moments.
I have run off to LA for frivolous reasons. I have spent considerable time in Portland for fun. 10 years ago I picked up and wandered out to the middle of nowheres in George, WA to see something that wasn't ever supposed to happen.
And I'm on one of these trips right now. Headed to the Apple. The big one that is. To do something that is so very important to my peace of mind.

C You Next Tuesday

2011-04-17T10:37:00.002-06:00

"Take me to the place where the healing flows."
indeed.
The Bucket List gets shorter, as does the "Never Gonna Happen" list.
"Good morning Sodom and Gomorrah, Good morning sinners."
Ever since the strange samples of E=MC² and Medicine Show entered my brain have I wanted to see B.A.D. Now, a lifetime later, I get a chance.

"A dance to the tune of economic decline."
indeed.
I will return and report.

Candy

2011-04-08T08:36:00.006-06:00

I need to stop eating Reese's Pieces.
I've always been a mild consumer of Reese's Pieces, dating back to my adolescence. We used to ingest Reeses Piece's during church meetings, on Friday evenings, on special occasions.
I remember a few occasions that we snarfed huge quantities of Reeses Piece's during lunch, which left us completely unable to attend our Seminary classes following lunch.
I remember an occasion where a couple of my friends expressed concern about my intake of Reese's Pieces and threatened to stage an intervention.
Lately, I've increased my intake rate of Reeses Piece's. For some reason, everywhere I go I have been seeing Reese's Pieces and people are offering me Reese's Pieces and I seem to go places where people love to eat Reese's Pieces.
I spent a fair amount of 2010 under the influence of Reese's Pieces, sometimes gobbling them at lunchtime, after work, with dinner and during after-dinner recreation.
Reese's Pieces contributed in a large way to me gaining 15 pounds last year. And with this weight gain, I find myself being much more sedentary. I'm turning into a sloth and I blame Reese's Pieces.
On some occasions Reese's Pieces have brought me to the bring of death.
I figure I have spent nearly $15,000 on Reese's Pieces in the last 12 months.
In the last few days, I've found myself thinking about Reese's Pieces from the moment I wake up until the late night just as I drift off to sleep. Somehow I think this obsession is somewhat unhealthy.
So I'm going to have to stop eating them. In fact, I'm already a week into my quitting.
It is going to require a reassessment of my social circles. It's going to cost me some friends. I hope it doesn't make me an unpleasant person.

Reese's Pieces have messed me up in a way that I didn't think possible.

Ouch.

2011-04-03T08:49:00.009-06:00

Thursday, December 16, 2010 1:00pm
Tour a production at the Provo Tabernacle. A good friend is the audio guy and he wants to show off his toys. Walk through the building. See some things I've never seen done there before. Express concern to my tour-mates. Neglect to express concern to anyone else.
Head back to work. Don't think anything more of it.

Friday, December 17, 2010 4:25am
Wake up to the sound of the Mrs. heading off to work (This happens most mornings- she slams the door, I wake up.) Grab my phone, for some reason I dial up the internet and head over to KSL.com. Headline: Provo Tabernacle on fire. Instantly I think: "Those guys ran some bad cabling or left something plugged in and it sparked some dry fuel into a blaze.
I grab my camera and head over to take a picture or two- thinking I can head to work for a few minutes before the kiddies get up at 7:00.

5:54 am- Picture taken as I stand across the street. it looks pretty bad, but it seems they have it under control.

5:56am- Picture taken as I still stand across the street. Only this time the entire roof has collapsed, taking down the gables and most of the stained glass. I described the sound and my feelings on the matter in a blog post, linked below. Still reverberating in my ears, over 3 months later.

I determine that I'm going to hang out until I have to go be a parent. I begin to walk the perimeter of the building the best I can.

6:40am- I talk to my friend Roger- the generator technician for the production- who has been here most of the night watching this happen. He lets me know that the generators were off at 11pm and the cabling for them had been put into the building and secured. He's visibly shaken, possibly in shock. We talk about the sentimental losses. A bunch of firefighters walk by just as Roger and I are discussing the sketchy rigging and lighting services for the production- one of the firefighters stops in his tracks. He doesn't talk to me, but continues walking.
7:00am- I run home to be a parent. Wake the kids, make lunches.
7:29am- Kids leave. I download all my pictures to my computer. Start writing a blog post.
8:09am- Post blog post. Post about blog post on Facebook.
8:32am- Post a couple Facebook posts about the incident.

Fast Forward to March 31, 2011 10:10am

Provo Fire Marshall releases the final report on his findings and research into the cause and circumstance of the fire.

10:41am- I read the Executive Summary report. On page 3 I see a picture that takes my breath away. It is the Tabernacle exactly as I remember it from the afternoon of 12/16. How exactly? I'm in the picture. In the group of people in the lower right. And the thing that makes me sick is that we are talking about the sketchy techniques being employed in the production. Including someone pointing at the ceiling.

Basic production ethics and respect has always dictated that you don't question other production teams on their techniques unless you see evidence of safety hazards or gross misuse of equipment. If I had gone into the attic that day, as I felt I should, I would have raised a huge stink about what I saw. And the Provo Tabernacle would still be intact.
Now, I'm forced to raise a stink about any kind of crappy production techniques I see. Be prepared, because I'm gonna get a reputation for being the cranky know-it-all guy that gets in people's face about safety and procedures.
I can't have this on my conscience again. Once is bad enough.

I've been spanked.

OC Post

2011-03-15T15:11:00.006-06:00

I'm an OG from the OC.
I drink OJ all day.
When I hit the town,
you'll be getting down.
As the parties and events flow like Tanqueray.

We set up a some lights
For the party that won't last all night.
All the people dance
and the rappers prance
and the bands play their hits alright.

I can't say where I am,
You can't know what we do.
The contract says that we must be silent.
Security is tight,
The County cops are jerks,
and if they mess with me I might get violent.

Nice rhyme.
All the time.
Tents smell like beer
Bathrooms instill fear.
And the pretty maids all in a row.

Yo.

MarchyPost

2011-03-03T06:22:00.003-07:00

I'm slacking bigtime this year, and I refuse to promise to do better, as most final posts in the online world are apologies and promises to do better.
I intend to write more.
How's that?

Lots of crap going on.
I'm working too much, playing too little.
Time for a reversal of priorities.

I saw something in NYC this week that I've never seen before.
But I can't tell you about it here. Maybe if you ask nicely I'll divulge offline somewhere.

The world is thawing out.
And it's hollow.

And we don't need to worry about the 'end of days'- it's already here. Enjoy the rest of your yesterday.

OK. That's all.
This is a shout-out to all the ladies, single, semi-single and otherwise. Woot Woot.

Emptiness

2011-02-11T07:55:00.006-07:00

Devoid of all inspiration, I will type this post from a place that is yet unknown.

Normally I get some kind of bug up my crack that inspires me to rant on and on, swearing at and disrespecting the person(s) that annoyed me or did/said/thought something I find abrasive.

Today I have none of that. But I felt inspired to stand before you and expectorate my rambling opinions on some crazy stuff.
Did you ever notice that dogs think they like every type of food, until they get it, then they become finicky. You can let the dog smell a pickle and they act like they want it. So you give it to them and bleeech- out it comes.
Kids are sometimes the same.
Last week I was traveling and our local labor needed some cash to pay for their parking. So I gave them my cash. Didn't realize that it was my last cash- my food money. I survived the week on the goodwill of others and some dumpster diving... and the available balances on 3 different empty/maxed out debit/credit cards. Thank goodness for client food and cheap breakfast at Carl's Jr. Vintage picture to follow.

Yes, that Carl's Jr. The one right next to the parking lot formerly known as The Century Lounge aka 'Nude Nudes' RIP Century Lounge.
Scandalous enough yet? Shall I keep going?
I'm shooting blanks here. Without something to kick against, I'm feeling like a cap gun. Which I do most of the time anyway. I should be president of the Shootin' Blanks Society, for those who try their hardest but can't put out something more than a final product which is a sad imitation of the real thing.

What else???
Facebook is sucking lately. Sucking up all my free time. I seem to have an unhealthy compulsion to constantly post pointless things to this quasi-public forum.
Most of what I say is nonsensical. Please don't be offended if you read something I write there that seems offensive. Please consider the state of my deteriorating mind.

Time to get ready for work, which causes me apprehension. Dreaming of a desert island surrounded by pygmy tigers and effing green pigs.

Breeding

2011-01-31T20:03:00.003-07:00

Well, I'm a jackass sometimes.
I can admit that.
My opinions occasionally come flying out without regard for the potential offense that can be taken.

So I'm gonna say it: I'm sorry if I offend you. This is directed at a very select few people, none of whom are likely to be reading this anyway.
I'm just venting.

I like kids. I like my kids.
Having little people around is very enjoyable to me.
My concern with the way things go down often is the ridiculous parent-child ratio that is often established. Simply put: some people have too many kids.
I'm not going to base my opinion on the concept that the world is being overpopulated- I feel that this argument has some merit, but at this time my complaint is not that particular complaint.

My problem is that by having a grundle of kids you are depriving your kids the amount of attention and resources that it takes to raise them properly. Not that it isn't possible for large families to be functional and for people growing up in large families to be perfectly normal. I just see, over and over, that large families leave kids needing more. And you're going to be poorer than if you had less kids. It's simple economics. A family of 8 takes a whole lot more food, water, clothing than a family of 5. A baked potato isn't dinner. Don't be like my parents and never have money to take the family out for dinner. Well, Dee's 29 cent hamburgers don't count. Especially when you only buy 8.

In honor of one or more friend, family, acquaintance, or other citizen of the world, I present:
My chart of various family sizes and the type of vehicle they need to drive.
1 child: One. Drive a car
2 kids: Some. Car.
3: A few. Car again.
4: A Pack. Minivan or SUV
5: A Brood. Minivan.
6: Flock. SUV.
7: Gaggle. Minivan/SUV.
8: Oodles. Maxivan.
9: Herd. Large SUV.
10: Bundle. Van/Lg. SUV.
11: Skads. Stay home.
12: Heap. 2 SUV or a 15 passenger van.
13: Slew. 2 SUV or a Motorhome.
14+: Metric Shitload. Travel around in a wagontrain.

it's comedy, people. Please at least smile.

Back to the seriousity.

Many of my friends and myself have similarities in how we live, how we think, how we intend to be for the remainder of this and all future lives.
This includes our theories on child-rearing and even the number of kids that is an ideal number.
We all think that 2 is best. That's one per parent. Or one for each arm if it works out that way.
The thing is, we nearly all have (or will have soon) three. Most of the thirds (in fact all of them that I can think of) have been surprises. Not that they are unwelcome, but they haven't exactly been planned. It's cool.
The three kids thing is almost certainly the universe's way of tempering the chaotic (wink wink) nature of the male members of these relationships. Kind of a smack upside the head that this is much bigger than indulging the whims and urges of the artistes I hang out with. And a warning to the ladies that if they don't calm the boys down, they are gonna have a whole slew of little ones rolling around town in a fleet of SUVs.

STOP IT!

2011-01-20T07:35:00.002-07:00

I'm getting pretty sick and tired of my friends and family hacking themselves.
Now, I know the world is a cruel place. And I know that health problems can drive a person into despair. Addiction and neurosis can drive people over the edge.
But for hell's sake: think about us back here. We don't want to have to clean up your mess. We don't want to be the ones to stumble on you. We don't need to be stuck with the guilt and the feeling of failure.
Because I'm sure that you don't mean to throw that stuff at us.

Three times in the last 6 months I've had to mop up (figuratively) this mess. And it's getting old.
Danny, I hardly knew you- you were my much older cousin, a tanned specimen of 1970s fashion the last time we hung out. I don't know what your life path was, you lived far away and we only ever spoke at funerals and the rarest of family functions. I have no idea what went wrong. And I feel guilt for that.
James, I'm mad at you. You broke the deal, it was your idea that I should have kids and raise them up. It was you that planted the seed in my mind that I could dream up a life bigger than my dealt cards indicated. You painted the picture of the multi-generational Wallaparties, with grandparents and great-grandparents bouncing babies on their knee and telling stories of the great "King and I" adventures of 1987. We were planning that stuff together, but you were secretly withdrawing and planning your own endgame.
Robert. This one's pretty recent. I'm not prepared to play 'Mother Hen' to my co-workers in issues like this- that is way way WAY out of my job description. You managed to survive cancer twice. In a way, you were living on borrowed time. For 15 years. I'm glad that you were able to see your kids grow up. They seem to be happy and healthy, we'll look after them. In a way it's not fair that in kicking your disease you hooked up with pills. But you had a strange ability to kick the addiction too. Was the current round of sick too much for you? Did you fear the addiction coming back? I'm glad I was able to see you just before you wandered off into the mountains. They said your frozen face had a smile on it. When I wished you a happy new year I meant it. If this makes you happier, I guess I'm glad for you. But I'm feeling overwhelmed by the residual issues. Did I do anything to make you feel like you didn't need to hang around? I find joy, as I'm sure you would, in the irony that they had to thaw you for the autopsy and now they have to thaw the ground to bury you. I'm sure you'd say it's all a big waste of hot air.

So I've had the perfect trio of self-destructive acquaintances this year: Family, Friend and Work.

And it sucks hard.

Keep It Up

2011-01-07T09:46:00.003-07:00

Gotta keep posting.
No gaps in posting frequency.
Need to entertain the audience: ladies, the socially dysfunctional, the deadbeats, stalkers and groupies.
Strangely, this is an interesting parallel to my life currently.

Feeling like you are required to do something is a foreign thing to me. It's a bit uncomfortable, like a new ball-gag that hasn't been broken in yet.

Come on people, laugh. You know I'm kidding, right? Right?

Anyone have anything to say? Is it just me in here? That sounds a bit masturbatory...

First

2011-01-01T09:23:00.002-07:00

So I've got a first post o' the year.

I'm not going to call it resolutions, but I'm guessing that is how it will appear.

2011- what I'm planning to do.

Hike the Y- 52 times. Once a week (average) Of course, because of schedule and weather I may not get up every week. But I'll make up for it in double weeks. 2 years ago I was able to get up there 4 times a week for a short strech of time. I'm going to do this as training for...

...a bunch more 11,000 foot peaks. Timp, Lone Peak, Twin Peaks, Pfeifferhorn, Red Baldy

I'm going to make some huge changes this year in my work habits. Beginning almost immediately and packing a pretty severe punch.

I still have my stuff from last year to do this year. Stupid non-injured knee.

Which reminds me: I'm going to get this foul thing fixed this year. Either that or I'm going to cut it off with a dull, rusty saw.

Mending the bad relationships and growing the good ones.

Happy New Year

End it

2010-12-31T23:59:00.001-07:00

This is the last post of the year.
Technically I'm cheating, since I am writing most of it on 1/1/2011
Whatever. I make the rules.

What a ride it's been, mortality starting to show more than ever.
Morality showing less than I ever thought possible.
Not that I don't feel moral, I just don't think others can see it.
Something to work on next year I guess.

So I wrap the year with a number of regrets, a bunch of apologies due, a bundle of debts owed, and a collection of stolen kisses.
The year flew by without hesitation- I misplaced the entire summer somewhere.

This now ties my record blogging year. Nothing spectacular, only 48. But as I read back through the year I realize how far I've traveled.

Thanks everyone for everything.
Sorry everyone for my weakness and inconsistency.
Cheers to next year and many more.

~P

Another year-end list

2010-12-22T08:18:00.003-07:00

2010, the most total cities I've ever visited/worked.
***My company did far more events than this, these are just the cities in which I was present.
Ranked: City (# of visits)
Vegas (1)
Chicago (1)
Atlanta (1)
Orlando (1)
DC (1)
Seattle (1)
Portland (1)
Minneapolis (1)
Boston (1)
Dallas (1)
Tucson (1)
Denver(1)
Toronto (1)
NYC (2)
Park City (5)
LA/OC (6)
San Francisco/San Jose/Bay Area (7)

The irony of this list is that most of these are shorter engagements, meaning that in the olden days I would have gone into a city for 4-18 days, now I'm there for 2-3 and then moving on. The longest engagement I had this year was Tucson in July. Second longest was Vegas in January.

By the way, I did do 9 shows in Salt Lake this year, so it's the winner, but not really, since I sleep in my own bed for those...

Year Closure

2010-12-22T07:55:00.002-07:00

Gotta wrap this year up with a few lists:
Top 5 personal events:
5) James (the band) live at The Complex, SLC 10-5-2010
4) Paul McCartney at Rio Tinto, SLC 7-13-2010
3) Band of Horses live at In The Venue, SLC 9-28-2010
2) Peter Hook/The Light live at the Doug Fir, Portland 12-9-2010
1) Brian Wilson live at Promontory, Park City 7-3-2010

Bottom 5:
5) Missed the Arcade Fire tour
4) LCD Soundsystem canceled
3) Didn't see the Eels show due to attending a funeral 10-6-2010
2) Bono falls off his bike and breaks his back, canceling the US tour
1) James (the friend) died

One track mind?

Gutted

2010-12-17T07:29:00.003-07:00

I awakened this morning to a horrible emptiness in my soul. Not knowing what was going on, I wandered around the house for a minute. Checked in on the email, the Facebook. Randomly, typed in the following URL: www.ksl.com

Breaking news: Provo Tabernacle on fire. I'm suddenly really sad- I've spent hundreds of days in this building. Between the twice annual stake conferences of my childhood and the hundreds of productions I have done- Concerts, plays, meetings, video shoots, First Night, etcetcetc.
My favorite part of the place was the super narrow super steep spiral staircases leading up into the attic. Yes I've been up there. All sweet old wood trussing and musty smelling. There was a corner up there with lots of dates and initials, old programs and people's tributes to the old place. I have to admit, I wrote my name onto a beam. If you find the inscription "PFJ 1994" or such on any of the debris, don't be surprised.

I arrived on scene this morning to take a couple photos.

A minute later, I heard the most nauseating sound I've ever heard, it sounded like a punch to the stomach, but amplified 1,000,000x. The sound that 20,000 pounds of shingles, wood, bricks and stained glass makes as it caves inward and falls to the floor. Crunching, creaking, groaning.

Suddenly I realize that the smoke billowing upward isn't steam, nor is it the carbon emissions of the combustion of wood, it's the screaming destruction of the millions of memories that this place held.

The memories that once were part of a historical walking tour are now nothing more than the anecdotal stories of old people. And I'm one of the old people. So are my children.

Yesterday, I was in the building and the building spoke to me. As I walked out the door the door crashed into me, reminding me of all the other times I had been in the place. Reminding me that we went way way back. And saying goodbye.

This morning I mourn for the ProTab and for the door that I had to watch burn.

Happy Birthday to Me

2010-12-16T06:44:00.004-07:00

I'm old.
My present was good.
A trip to one of my favorite cities to see one of my favorite bands (well, part of it- the others can't be bothered to join up. The drummer is crazy, the guitarist is lazy and the original singer is hanging around the kitchen somewhere.)
So it's "Peter Hook does Joy Division" night.
A couple things: Hooky sings the songs better than Bernard Sumner does, they suit his voice better. JD never played in the US. It's the best you're going to get.
And it was good.
Solid renditions of songs that have been such a force in my life. Truly transcendent.
A review.

The venue is a combo gig venue/hotel/diner/salon/tattoo parlor/sex toy shop. All the things a person could need for a night on the town.
We bumped into the band in the diner prior to the show, they even moved us from our table to take it for their larger group.
I nearly shat myself as I sat myself in the next booth.
I'm no psycho stalker, so I steered clear as they were chowing down and carrying on like only rockers and roadies can do.
Then the show. I figured that we could have met the band afterward, but it was really late and we were both exhausted. Bedtime.
In the morning of my celebration of the anniversary of my birth, we stumbled down to the diner to get some grub. Holy schniekes!!!! There they were again. Hooky was absent, but his band and crew were hanging out, eating some American style brekky and prepping for the ride out to the airport.
I look and see Mr. Hook acting as his own road manager, sorting out hotel rooms and calling taxis. I gain a large amount of testicular fortitude and wade right through the bunch of them, thanking them for visiting (not my town, but whatever) and complimenting the show. They thank me back. Hook wanders by and thanks me for coming, I wish him safe travels and a good show in San Francisco. He growls "It will be a short show, I seem to have lost me voice in Portland" Pats me on the shoulder, picks up his bass guitar and suitcase. Jumps in a taxi and rolls away.
I'm not usually star-struck, but this was just cool. Really really cool.

Thx

2010-11-25T10:05:00.003-07:00

Intro
Today's one of the days that people feel compelled to express their thanks and their affection for their friends, family, pets, great jobs, blu-ray players, etc.
I'll join in the chorus of that dialogue

"We get to carry each other"

I feel personally responsible for the well-being of those around me. Not because I have to be, but because I choose it. I welcome the responsibility.
I've failed in this far too many times, most significantly this year. There have been times that I was so busy celebrating my own success that I couldn't see people around me struggling.
This will haunt me until the end of my life. I find it completely unacceptable to have people in a bad state while others are doing well. It is the responsibility of all people to help. To give whatever they can. To offer a hand to those around them that might be having a difficult time.
My resolve has been to step up my awareness of people, to stop worrying so much about my own problems (which honestly are quite insignificant) and fine the people around me that have needs that I may be able to help with.
There have been times that I've needed the same thing and I hope that if I ever get there again that my support network holds my hand through it as they have before.

Outro

My personal shortcomings are based around my unwillingness to be manipulated by my family. I've chosen a path through life that they don't agree with- and from time to time I feel like they make me a project. I don't like to feel like people are coming at me trying to 'fix' things.
Well here's part of the issue- I don't think I'm broken. Different? Yes. Dysfunctional? Not at all.
I think that my life is turning out pretty well and don't need someone telling me that I'm wrong. I don't need anybody critiquing me on my choices- believe me, if it needs critiquing, I am the harshest critic- I do nothing impulsively, I consider all possible actions and reactions for a long time before I .
So I appeal to my family- please understand that we are doing pretty well here. Nothing needs to be fixed. Thanks for your concern, but your efforts are going to do nothing but cause friction. Please back off and let us do what we are doing.

Happy Holidays Everyone.
If you need anything, please let me know.
Please don't be alone.
If we must be miserable from time to time, at least let us be that way together.

Lying Liars and the Lies they Lie

2010-11-21T18:16:00.002-07:00

There are two mistruths I regret telling my kids:
1) I taught them at a young age that sesame seeds grew in the ground, and could be planted just like any other crop. A couple of incidents arose from this: Jon, my youngest once took a handful of the sesame seeds off his hamburger bun out into the yard, dug a little hole and planted them. I think he watered their little dirt grave daily for 3 months before he gave up on them. (he was crushed) The other incident involved the kids eating themselves sick on food and attributing the bellyaches to the sesame plants growing in their stomachs.
Lie #2: Where we live, there are medical helicopters that fly over about 3 times a week to a common crash site in Spanish Fork Canyon. I once told the kids to not stand under the choppers since there was blood leaking out. Since then, they go out of their way to duck and run whenever one of the red and white whirlybirds comes by.

So....

2010-11-13T09:43:00.002-07:00

...you remember that really sad thing that happened that one time?

I am still really sad about it.
I feel guilt about it.
I am angry about it.
I have a lot of unresolved issues with it.
I am consumed by my thoughts about it.
I doubt that I'm ever going to get over it.

...is such a funny guy...

2010-11-09T05:30:00.002-07:00

I discovered early in life, when on the losing end of a couple of lady-hunting expeditions, that women seem to really like a 'funny guy.'
There's some code in the female secret language that says 'you're funny- may I offer up my soul and my carnal delights to you?'
So I set out to become the funny guy.
The problem is this- I'm naturally the most serious guy in a room. Brooding, contemplative, intense, aloof even.
A quest of many years and tons of practice have given me the skills to be funny when necessary. But I'm still trying to be so serious on the inside- a difficult balance for sure.
Let me set one thing straight- I'm not trying to get women to open up their loins for me, this is merely a defense mechanism against the dirtbags that would use their humor, charm and wit to get a lady to behave in an unladylike fashion.

It sure does get tiring though- being both the most serious guy in the room and the most funniest.....

I'm glad that is finally over

2010-10-31T23:20:00.002-06:00

A very eventful month, to say the least.

I am strangely tuned, perked up at the coming life experiences. I'm not sure what these experiences are going to hold for me. I don't even know what these experiences are going to be.

When one loses a friend, it is painful. I've lost plenty under many different circumstances.
Somehow losing James has been more pointedly painful than anyone before. Probably because he was more of a peer than anyone I've lost before. I see my reflection in him and his influence is everywhere on all things I see and do.
I think that the ultimate result of this is yet to be determined, there are too many things happening and still unresolved in the healing process to know how it will end..

Maybe what bugs me is that I'm afraid that his fate could be mine, since our lives have been so parallel all these years. Somewhat divergent lately, but parallel nevertheless.
Maybe I don't want anyone to ever feel like this ever again. What can I do to help this never happen?
Maybe I wish that this whole thing had never happened and that we were back in the innocent time before.

For the first day or two I was overwhelmed, I am glad that I had things to do- had I been able to sit around and contemplate what was going on I probably would have been really sad and dysfunctionally upset. I still unfortunately had too much solo time and was alone too much- this caused me to go through many stages of grief and mourning- all of which are healthy- I just wish I never had to do this.
After the first couple days, we all did the viewing/funeral thing. It was a very cleansing experience- it felt so good to have a chance to see and mourn with all my friends and family. There were so many moving and powerful experiences that I couldn't possibly ever explain or articulate what they were. You're going to have to believe me. Or perhaps you were there and know what I'm talking about.
Since the funeral, things have gradually moved back toward normal. I still feel a constant aching and a sense of loss, the emptiness isn't going away. It's a little bit better, but I think about it all day every day. Maybe I should develop an addiction or habit to fill the hole.

I think that the heaviness of the first few days of the month weighed over the rest of things, which were overall quite positive and productive.
I have had success and productivity at work, the family is holding together and growing. Some exciting business prospects have appeared recently- this really excites me.
Yet all the relative goodness is balanced out by the events of the first few days of October. The month has been a neutral month at best.

Moving on, moving forward. Looking to the horizon for answers.

A Correction

2010-10-08T18:51:00.003-06:00

Dear Parents:
I have to correct you on something you said to me repeatedly during my adolescence (notably in March of 1988- don't ask how/why I remember.)
I was hanging out with a rag-tag bunch of guys (and girls) who were overly creative and underly productive. A misfit bunch of dreamers and weirdos. Interesting characters to be sure.

The supposition was that I would only have my friends for a short time and then they would work themselves into their own lives, leaving me dangling and alone.... I thought at the time it was a scare tactic designed to pressure me into the arms of the family and the church.

Well, here we are in 2010. 21 years since the big earthquake in San Francisco. I have traveled a fairly funky road. Things in my world aren't quite 'normal' according to the norms of society. But the one thing I notice is this:
I still have my friends. The same friends. Some of them for well over 25 years.
We spend time together, we talk on the phone.
We travel together.
Our spouses are friends.
Our children are friends.
I have no hesitation entrusting my children to my friends. They feel the same about me.
My friends are authorized to check my kids out of school.
My children are encouraged to talk to my adult friends as if they are peers or siblings.
My friends know how to get into my house if they need something.
I know the same about them. I've never raided their cookie stash, but it is comforting that I could. Being cookieless is a dismal state. (stay out of my cookies, Lester)
My friends and I have good relationships with each others extended families. We socialize and fraternize with them.
I have handed my newborn children to my friends, and they have reciprocated.
In recent developments, I am carrying my friends to their graves, and in due time, it will be my turn. My friends will bury me if I don't bury them first. I have no doubt of this.

The friendships I have with these people have been going on for nearly 30 years, yet I don't feel like we are even halfway there.

You see, we aren't all that strange after all. We are not quite the same as most people, but the thing that makes us different is that we found a tribe of like-minded individuals and we stuck with it.

I can't say I trust any family members the same way.

Perhaps this is because my family never trusted me to make these kind of decisions for myself.
I've realized recently that your actions were in fact scare tactics designed to drive me terrified and submissively into the arms of your reality. I apologize if you feel like I've rejected you, but I'd like to let you know that I'm continuing on down this road, me and my tribe.

Say Something

2010-10-07T11:19:00.002-06:00

anything...

You're as tight as a hunter's trap
Hidden well, what are you concealing
Poker face, carved in stone
Amongst friends, but all alone
Why do you hide

Say something, say something, anything
I've shown you everything
Give me a sign
Say something, say something, anything
Your silence is deafening
Pay me in kind

Take a drug to set you free
Strange fruit from a forbidden tree
You've got to come down soon
More than a drug is what I need
Need a change of scenery

Need a new life

Say something, say something anything
I've shown you everything
Give me a sign
Say something, say something, anything
Your silence is deafening
Pay me in kind

Say something

Come on now
Reach out
You're not alone in this world
You're not alone in this world
Show me your mind.

You're not alone in this world
You're not alone in this world
Show me your mind
Open your mind
Step outside of yourself
See something else

I'm open, wide open
I'm so open, wide open
I'm turning to you to get me through
Hoping to see something new for me

I'm open wide, open wondering
Have you swallowed everything
Pay me in kind

For James

2010-10-04T00:15:00.001-06:00

James- it's nice to talk to you, it has been too long.
How's life treating you? You look well. Things OK? You sure? You know if you ever need anything I'm here for you.

Are you thirsty? I could sure go for a chocolate milk right now- I've got lots of things to say and I hope this conversation takes a long time. Get two, it's always a bit better after you've carried it around in your pocket for a while.

Remember that time that we were walking around? The hundreds of night walks we went out that one year? All the dreams and things we were going to do?
Fishing boats to Europe, then walk until our boots wore out? You seemed to think that your Army surplus combat boots couldn't ever wear out, so you'd be walking Europe forever. Why didn't we do that? Girls. I blame the girls.
What about the day we fell asleep on the sidewalk waiting for the sunrise? Falling asleep just in time to miss it? A whole lot of waiting around for nothing I think you said. Your sense of efficiency is admirable.
My parents still talk about the time that you came over and acted out Khrushchev's "We Will Bury You" speech. That was classic stuff. Good effect with the shoe pounding on the table.
You still reading those fairy tales? I just don't get it. I mean, don't get me wrong, but I just don't see the appeal. You did get me to read The Hobbit. Cool stuff. I wish you had told me that there were 3 more books to finish the story. Sheesh- what a marathon. You tricked me.

James, you know what I think is the best thing about you? Your perceptive intuition. You have such a fine ability to look at someone and know exactly what they are about, to know what they need. Some people call it mind-reading, some call it mind-games. I just think it is just amazing. You taught me many years ago that it was possible to be sensitive to hints, feelings and body language. Your non-verbal communication skills are second to none and I thank you for sharing some of that with me.
Remember in the olden days when we used to listen to music and occasionally you'd get so excited by what you were hearing that you'd jump out of your chair and start exclaiming, singing and dancing? My favorite part of that was the aftermath: you would walk around for days with that song in the front of your mind and occasionally you'd burst out into song. Awesome.

Speaking of music, I've been listening to a band lately that reminds me of the old times- a bunch of memories tied to this one- it seems that you and I listened to these guys more than any of my other friends- I think it was because they were all out on missions at the time we saw something on MTV. Anyway- the band is called James- remember them? They have been doing some new stuff that's pretty good. Stuff that makes me jump out of my chair and start singing. They're coming to Salt Lake pretty soon, I have a ticket for you if you want to go.

Then there was the day I joined the Acappella Choir in 1988- you took me under your far more experienced wing and gave me the skills training necessary to sing that abominable high part in the Hallelujah Chorus. In fact, I vividly remember taking our newly polished skills on tour and doing a trio version of the whole Chorus for our families and you insisting that everyone stand up when it was performed. Who else was there? Was it Joel Hill? Anyway- thanks for helping me out and making me understand that no matter what I did I was never, ever going to hit those high notes without cheating.

Then there was the time(s) standing on the stage during "The King and I" and singing the lyrics to Bauhaus and Bunnymen songs to the tune of the monk's chant? Brower had no idea. Tee hee.

Lyrics- that's really the whole story isn't it? I am very open and vocal about my stunted communication skills, but am able to express with great accuracy by using lyrics. You taught me that.
And can you remember the first time we heard the 'new' Echo and the Bunnymen with the imposter singer? I don't think I have ever seen you look more disgusted.

My passion for all things black and white, for the contrasts and shadows, this love was refined and developed during the years we spent together, pontificating upon everything. What a great time we used to have. I resent that life has interjected her cruel time-sucking tentacles into our playtime.

I could go on all night. But you have somewhere to be. I have places to be.
Any chance we can do this again soon? I really enjoy your company and really could use the recreation from time to time.

I'm really bad at walking away at the end of a conversation- so I usually have to walk away in silence. But right now I don't want this to end. I can spare a bit more time.

You need to take off? OK. Cool.

Please let me know if you need anything. It's great to hang with you as always, and I mean that. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.

Take care.

Walking away. In silence.

really.

i swear i will shut up eventually.

Oh My

2010-09-30T08:58:00.003-06:00

I'm a bit of a slacker.

Posting dehydration.

Creative drought.

Motivational wasteland.

More writing, less working.

Must...

Have...

#32, rice on both sides...

Marathon work month.

Wild times.

VIP seating a in a place with no (or very few) seats.

How did we get home? Speak of it no more.

Hi.

and Bye.

40 shows later

2010-09-24T06:12:00.001-06:00

They played it again.

Over the Hill

2010-09-19T08:17:00.003-06:00

Sometimes a band releases a late-career album that is magnificent.
A strong coda featuring all the wisdom, technique and workings of the world they observe.

Much has been spoken of the freshness of a band's first album and the potential for a second album to be mediocre. Usually the third album is where a band gets their identity and morphs into whatever they are going to be for a long time.
Examples: Keane, Band of Horses, Arcade Fire, Radiohead
If the Arcade Fire never did another thing after "The Suburbs" they could go out into the world knowing that they had achieved a fantastic string of success, going out on a high note.

Recently the band James has released a fantastic double EP called The Night Before/The Morning After. The Night Before is mostly electric. Lush instrumentation with keyboards and much production. The Morning After is generally acoustic, featuring lots of acoustic guitars and slower songs.
This pair of records would serve as a perfect finale for one of the best bands of the 80s/90s to slam the door on their career. Remember "Laid"? a good song, a good album but nowhere near their best. (produced by Brian Eno though- that's pretty cool)

And then there's the bands that keep releasing albums when they are far beyond their creative peak: New Order, The Cure, U2 (yeah, I'm looking at you, Bono.)

I hope that every band can go out on as strong a note as James- The final song on their album is called 'All My Letters'
Slam the door, walk on with your heads held high. But not before you play Salt Lake City on October 5.

Blah

2010-09-15T19:28:00.000-06:00

Blah

Oh Canada

2010-09-11T19:35:00.005-06:00

Good Day everyone from the Great White North, eh.
Homeland of my little buddy Ink.
I'm here for 3 days. A lovely city, Toronto.
Here's some photodocumentation:
Lunch

Baggage

Sleepy Pillow

Customs Form

Customs Checkpoint

That's Canada Out There

Descending to the checkpoint, no cameras allowed

CN Tower and SkyDome

Flag, Union Station and Air Canada Center

Do you like Rush eh?

Coinage and Cabbage

Survival of the Fittest

2010-09-07T18:02:00.000-06:00

By request, I am going to pontificate on this for a while.

I think that most people are under the impression that Charles Darwin coined the phrase, but in fact he didn't. Darwin's phrase was 'Natural Selection.'
The 'Survival of the Fittest' was first uttered by British philosopher Herbert Spencer. Also contrary to popular opinion, he didn't intend it to refer to physical fitness at all.

I find this confusion a good representation of the near perpetual state of cluelessness I witness in many people. Wake up! Do a bit of research and enlighten yourself.
Stop going through life charging ahead as if you know all the answers. Slow down, back up, watch and learn for a few seconds. You'll likely notice that things aren't at all how you imagine them.

A paragraph applying the survival of the fittest to my life, as I'm only qualified to comment on my world, not on that of anyone else.
Now I'm not the fittest at anything, but I somehow survive. Why? As far as I can tell, I'm not particularly good at anything. Jack of all Trades, Master of None (as long as we are talking in huge cliches)
I can't run for crap, I am not nearly as strong as you might think. My strongest quality isn't my stubbornness, it's my skepticism.
So here I rumble through life, with all the grace of a charging water buffalo in Ikea. Always getting to my objective, but with a huge amount of collateral damage.
The only way I get what I want or need is by being crafty, by out thinking my opponents, running mental circles around a poorly armed adversary seems to be my forte.

So many people have settled for a life so mediocre that they aren't willing to advance themselves beyond their disastrous decisions and actually survive, therefore they don't.

And ultimately nobody survives. We're all worm food eventually. After a few minutes our legacy dims and the survivors move on.... as we fade behind the dustcloud of a never-ending forward motion.

Stripes

2010-09-06T17:58:00.002-06:00

Tiger Stripes

White Stripes

Red Stripes

Stripes

Fac 51

Happy Birthday

2010-09-01T07:45:00.003-06:00

My baby Jon, is 16 today.

Overheard...

2010-08-26T07:06:00.002-06:00

Words and phrases from a recent conversation between 2 like-minded individuals:
Note: these words are not in sequential order, rather they are posted in a semi-sorted manner.

Purify Yourself
Felt Her Presence
Cures Cancer
Activist Judges
The Healing Power of Herbs
Energy Obeys God's Laws
Silenced by the Federal Government

Nothing too crazy there, right? Just a couple of conservative network marketers trying to uplift each other.

Elder's Quorum President
Righteousness
Apostles
In the Temple they teach...
Adam-Ondi-Ahman
The Perfect Teachings of the Prophets
Christ
Bishop
Satan's Plan

OK. A couple of LDS conservative marketers giving each other the winky winky "you can trust me" speech.

Headed for Hell
I'll Kick his Ass
Shit
Damnit
Asshole
Stupid Fucker
Bullshit

Class Participation Time

2010-08-23T07:13:00.002-06:00

What should my next blog post be about?
I will take suggestions and at least the first 100 will be strongly considered for publication.

Thank you for your support.

(hoping that someone doesn't want me to expound on feminine hygiene products or similar subjects which I know nothing about)

Big Parades

2010-08-15T19:15:00.002-06:00

Went to do a show for a good friend the other day- He is a local folk/rock musician who has enjoyed a fair amount of success- Over 300,000 albums sold and hundreds of sold-out and near-capacity concerts in nearly every state and several foreign countries.
I've been doing this gentleman's shows for over 15 years now, in every capacity you can imagine- Sound Guy, Light Guy, Stage Manager, Catering Guy, Gopher, Security, Driver, Electrician, CAD Artist, Nanny, Scenic Designer, Bodyguard, Roommate, etc.

Well the other day I contacted him and let him know that I was available and interested in helping out with his big summer show- a flashback-type show, with the playing of his complete first album and most of the second. This is the era of his career that I was around to experience and I really like this music.
He gladly accepted my offer of assistance. I was working for dinner, and maybe a little bit of merchandise- although I have it all already, don't need any more.
I went with no expectations, but it did produce a bit of apprehension, since some of the band members were guys from the old days who I hadn't seen in many years.
Things went well, one of the best shows I've ever seen him play. And I've seen hundreds. Really. Literally hundreds. This was fantastic.
A couple days after the show, he sent me a note thanking me for my help. He's very gracious and friendly, and it was nice to have the appreciation.

Here's the email I wrote to send him in reply:

Pete-
Thanks for the message.
Once I heard about the retro-show, I was interested in helping out.
My schedule these days doesn't allow for as much playtime as it used to, but it's nice to squeeze it in when I can. I am always on the hunt for a good night of entertainment- and honestly, that's all I wanted was to see the show.
Once we arrived, it felt like being home- I have to agree with you that it might be the best ever Sandy show and I feel that it may be one of the best shows of all-time.
It was really nice to talk to the band- reminiscing with them about all the shows of the olden days. I realized talking to Ensign that I've known you guys for nearly half my life, and it's been a whirlwind ride. Being around the humor, the old friends and the good people made the evening very enjoyable.
I fear that I'm getting too sentimental about this, but of all the moments in all the shows I've done, seeing Paul Cardall onstage, the sparkle in his eyes- that was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen. He has the same look in his eyes that my young friend Jake, a cancer survivor, has in his. And experiencing it makes me feel good.
We are of the age that we have friends and family that are leaving us, and to see someone who has fought and is winning, that makes me feel good. That's why I do this, that's what it's all about.
Drive This Road and Fool in the Tavern were exceptional as well. Fool might have been the best ever, I absolutely love the 'What About' coda that you do in that one.
Your music, working on your shows- these events have helped shape me, to temper the otherwise chaotic life I lead. Your music has been a huge element of my life, and it's always an honor to help out, to see the music touch and affect others like it does me.
I might be your biggest fan, and it's an honor to call you a friend.
Here's to many many more great experiences.
~P

And now, here's the email I sent:

Thanks Pete.
I really had fun and hope to be able to do it again sometime soon.
Please let me know if you have any shows where I might be able to offer assistance.
~P

Isn't it Ironic?

2010-08-15T19:08:00.003-06:00

Take a guy, genetically predisposed to early hearing loss and tinnitus and make it his life dream to be a sound engineer.

Or a guy, whose parental history guarantees that he'll have bad knees, arthritis and a bad back. Take that guy and make his favorite hobby hiking. And his second choice? Biking.

Perhaps we should consider a person with social anxiety and communication issues who has a job in the communications industry, dealing with people.

Vanishing Point

2010-08-06T23:34:00.001-06:00

I'm sitting in Snyderville, Utah at a resort called The Canyons. This place used to be known as Wolf Mountain and before that, ParkWest.

For 20 years, from the mid- 1970s until the middle of the 1990s, everyone played there. I mean everyone. A diverse listing of bands from every genre and country. I can't possibly ever list them all, since the records are all long gone, and the internet only offers a partial history of such things.
The Grateful Dead, Crosby, Stills and Nash (and occasionally Young), Depeche Mode, Howard Jones, Morrissey, Erasure, New Order, Bunnymen, Eurythmics, John Denver, Love and Rockets, Barenaked Ladies, Dave Matthews, Metallica, PiL, Chicago, Bob Dylan, UB40, Oingo Boingo, America, Anderson Bruford Wakeman and Howe, Jackson Browne, Lilith Fair, Midnight Oil, Amy Grant, Dan Fogelberg, Suicidal Tendencies, James Taylor, Indigo Girls, Sugarcubes, Pat Benatar, Fleetwood Mac, Sting, The Scorpions, Steve Winwood, The Ramones.

They've killed it.
I have so many memories of this place, and as of today (August 6, 2010) everything about the place I remember has been bulldozed, with the exception of the stairs.

The stairs that used to lead up between the buildings to the stage. All of these people walked up the stairs to the stage. The stage is long gone, the buildings behind the stage have been demolished in the last few weeks, I watched some of them go away today.

Several years ago I visited this place, all the buildings were still intact and you could easily see the footprint of the amphitheater. I stood up on the hill, right in the place I had once enjoyed a New Order soundcheck. I could feel and hear the music. I stood in the 3rd row, where I was for Love and Rockets. I could even smell and taste those days. I walked up a bit and remembered every moment I had ever spent on this hillside, listening to bands that I idolize. I became a 'TreePeople'- again.

I remembered waking up one morning in the rocks... without my shoes. I remembered Howard Jones stopping a song in 1986 mid-song due to rain... and picking it back up a year later from exactly the same spot.

I walked down to the place the stage used to be. I stood center stage, and was electrified by the energy that passed through this spot. I was suddenly Morrissey, Annie Lennox, Jon Anderson, Dave Gahan, John Denver, Pat Benatar, Bernard Sumner, Danny Elfman, Joey Ramone, James Taylor and Jerry Garcia. I could feel them, I could see the crowds, I could understand what these people give of themselves for the fans. I could feel their stagefright, I could taste their drugs.

Hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of people experienced their favorite bands here. Some of the best (and worst) music in history was performed at this place. And it's all gone. knocked down and carted away in a giant dumptruck.

I despise the bastards that don't understand the value of these things. I hate this place now.

Paradise

2010-08-03T21:45:00.003-06:00

If we left this town, we could walk the earth together
If you let me down, I will live in you forever
I want you, I want you, I need you, I need you
I want you, I want you, I need you, I need you

If we could find a home, we could go through time together
If we could hold our own, devastate the night forever
There's no place where we can't go
There's no place where I have been
There's no limit I can show
There's no level in between
I could have seen you there,
I need you everywhere
I want you, I want you, I need you, I need you
I want you, I want you, I need you, I need you
I could have seen you there
When I looked into your lifeless eyes, I saw you everywhere
There's no place where you can hide
There's no place that I can't find
There's no end to leave me clean
There's no reason I have seen

If you find me on my own, you could live your life forever
Shall we leave our world alone, maybe we'll go back or never
I could've seen you there
When I looked into your lifeless eyes, I saw you everywhere
I want you, I want you, I need you, I need you
I want you, I want you, I need you, I need you

I want you, I want you, I need you, I need you
I want you, I want you, I need you, I need you

lyrics by Hook, Sumner, Gilbert, Morris

More Biscuits n Stuff

2010-07-29T17:13:00.007-06:00

The post about my breakfast reminded me of a few critical events that shaped my late-adolescence...

A few friends and I worked for a couple years at Hardees in Provo, UT. There are so many stories I wish I could tell, but time has clouded my memory, and the statute of limitations (as well as a basic sense of decency) prohibits me from relating all of the events that took place.

I never again in my life want to smell, touch, taste or even imagine the monstrosity known as the Hardee's Cinnamon 'N' Raisin Biscuit.

Nasty!

We used to spend tremendous amounts of time there at night, I'm pretty sure I saw the sun come up there more than half the days of 1989- either because I was working or because I was camped out in the booth near the window staying up all night.... or both.

We used to make all sorts of custom food- partially to keep ourselves entertained, and partly to stay nourished.

Biscuit Deluxe: Hardees flagship burger was the Big Deluxe: Bun, Mayo, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, Burger, Cheese, Bun. We took it to the extreme by making the sandwiches on biscuits at 4am.
Pizza Biscuit: They liked to mess with the menu at Hardees- one day they decided that they would add the 'Pizza Burger'- a burger with marinara sauce and some kind of white cheese. We made biscuits out of the same- although they were really nasty with the breakfast sausage patties. Really good with either the 10:1 patties or no meat. The cheese was good if you tripled it. Estimated calories per sandwich: 600. Also good biscuits and gravy style.
Death Biscuit: We called the plain kiddie hamburger the Death Burger. When it was transferred to the secret breakfast menu, it became the Death Biscuit. (Also of course the Cheesy Death Biscuit) If you've never had catsup, pickles and mustard for breakfast, you are missing out.
Big Mac Biscuit: (don't ask)
Chicken Cordon Biscuit: a Hot Ham and Cheese portion with a Breakfast Chicken and some additional 'Swiss' cheese.
Shroom and Swiss Biscuit: Mushroom sauce, 'Swiss', Sausage, Biscuit. Heaven on earth. Hell on the digestive system.

Then there was the time that we converted an entire case of lollipops (the candy for the kiddie meals) into Death Lollies.

Strangely enough, that was the name of a fantastic local electro-punk band of that era.

One of my blood brothers was fond of referring to paper napkins as 'Masculine Napkins' - a play on some kind of feminine hygiene product... Anyway. Once we went through stacks of napkins and drew the Mars symbol

(also the symbol for masculinity and the male gender) on approx every 8th napkin. Sometimes we would draw the Death Mars.

The napkins were then placed in the dispensers. It was an awesome study of human behavior. Occasionally you'd even get a smart customer who would get the joke...

A friend (same guy) and I had a little game we liked to play called 'Running from the Cops'- the objective was to... well.... run from the cops. We didn't break the law. I swear. All you had to do, when stumbling upon law enforcement at 2am, was to look shady or suspicious until the officer saw you, then run like hell in the direction that they had the least chance of catching you.
(Summer 1989 was the year that University Avenue was torn up for reconstruction, so it was actually easy to get away... they had to drive literally miles to get to the other side)
If the cop or copette ever cornered you, they would ask 'Why are you running?' and the answer was 'Because I need exercise' or 'Because I want to' or 'Walking is too slow' or some such smartypants answer. It was pretty much an attempt to get us into a place where we could ask the cop to show us why it was illegal for a person over the age of 18 to go jogging anytime they wanted to. It's quite gratifying to ask a member of law enforcement 'You got a problem with that?'
Anyway- the inevitable destination after a hearty round of Running from the Cops was... wait for it.... Hardees.
One night we bailed from the law, managed to ditch him and made to home base- we celebrated our triumph with a twist cone and a gigantic cup of carbonated beverage. As I was making my self a twist cone deluxe, an order came through the drive through speaker- one twist cone. so I whipped it up, walked it over to the window and holy &^*@!! there was Officer Not-So-Friendly, looking me right in the face. I nearly pooped a brick.
He didn't recognize me. But I slept with my back to the wall for days....

Things Change

2010-07-28T10:08:00.003-06:00

But somehow stay the same...

22 years later, still sitting enjoying a delicious breakfast biscuit and some hash rounds.

Of course, back in the day, it would have been Sausage. Then for a while I preferred Ham. Now I eat egg/cheese.
But the principle is the same, no?

Fun Fun Fun

2010-07-08T14:47:00.007-06:00

7/3/2010

Showtime approaches
Final preparations.
Things are cleaned up.
We are cleaned up.
The guests arrive.
Dinner is served.
Drinks are served.
We see band members at the crew/band feeding station.
Brian makes an appearance for a photo op. He's a completely different person: smiling, laughing, joking. I assume he has had a nap, a massage, some vocal warmups, maybe some dinner. It's nice to see that he won't be so surly in front of the guests.
Back to places, and we wait.

The CEO of the high-end real-estate development gives a rah-rah speech. As he is talking, we see a couple of Suburbuns racing up the hill towardbackstage.
I guess he's going to play.
CEO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Brian Wilson and his band" and they appear onstage.

For optimal dramatic effect, I'd like to say that I bawled like a baby through the 26 song set, struggling to see the stage through my tears of joy.
But that wouldn't be true. I'm a professional you know, so I can turn it off in the line of duty. Other than a couple songs, when I misted up and sniffled a bit.

The band played for some time, very well in fact.

Wow what a show. Things progressed without incident until Brian decided to fall down, flat on his
face, right before the encore. He seemed unhurt. And for a guy that already has a few bruises, what's the harm in a couple more?

Fireworks. Boom, Bang, Blam.
Clean up the mess and go home.

So here's the summary:
I got a chance to be the lighting designer (director) for Rock and Roll Hall of Fame member Brian Wilson and the show started so early that the lights were mostly invisible until the last 3 songs.

The End.

Fun Fun

2010-07-08T14:16:00.007-06:00

7/2/2010 - 7/3/2010

We drive down the canyon and attend a couple of social events. I need to blow off some steam as I prep for work tomorrow. For some reason I'm more apprehensive than usual.
In the morning, I begin the day.
Time to get 'In the Zone' and prep for the day.

I grab some food and sit down to chill. Listening to Brian Wilson and Beach Boys songs all morning as I wander around town.

Stomach tightening and nerves winding up.

We drive back to the venue to finish up the setup.

The band's crew arrives and brings with them the word that I'll be the lighting director for the show this evening. Calling the job a 'designer' would be overly generous, as the setup is very simple with only a handful of options.

Nevertheless, it's a good thing that I'm 'In the Zone'
Soundcheck time approaches. The band has landed. Word comes that Mr. Wilson may not show up for soundcheck.
Cool. Whatever.
I sit back in my chair to wait and suddenly he arrives. Alone. Before the band. Takes a seat onstage and begins noodling around with his piano.

The band sets up, tinkering around and tuning. Brian looks bored and unhappy. The band plays the beginning of "California Girls." This is cool. I'm excited but Brian doesn't sing. Maybe he's waiting? Lost? Crap. Is he going to freak out and leave?

Halfway through the second verse he does it. There it is. The voice. It has aged. He has aged. Needs warming up.
Like the crying clown, the ultimate tortured artist, he's here singing us songs of surf and cars and pretty girls. Giving a bit of himself to make everyone else feel better.
Speaking of the sad jester, I'm a mess. Sobbing uncontrollably, I have to go sit down. Somehow this is touching me deeply. I have no idea why, no idea how. I have no excuse or deflection.

Perhaps it is the idea that I get to be so close to a story that has always seemed so big and so far out of reach. 3 or 4 songs later, soundcheck ends.
We see Brian turn and walk away.
Quite quickly.

He seems distant, tired perhaps. A bit non-communicat1ve and a little grumpy.
He's done.

Fun

2010-07-08T09:02:00.007-06:00

5/6/2010 - 7/2/2010

I'm not the biggest fan of the Beach Boys, but I certainly do respect their history and the dramatic elements of their history. I am particularly drawn to the Brian Wilson part of the story.
This is a guy who is a certifiable genius, whose drive to produce his music was so strong that it destroyed his psyche. His natural abilities surpass those of virtually all his contemporaries- a person who entered the world in a dysfunctional, abusive world- he had no choice but to purge the voices, the songs, the words and the emotions from his soul- it's the only chance he had. In this, he was able to create a couple of the best albums ever made: Most notably Pet Sounds, but also an album called SMiLE- unfinished and unreleased for over 37 years.

The personal cost of making SMiLE, as well as the perceived competition with The Beatles to make better, more groundbreaking music, it caused Brian a lot of stress.
Unfortunately, he was far too trusting of people who were looking to profit and gain from his talents. From his father to his drug dealers to his therapist, these people sucked the life out of him. The pressure of creating music- providing a living for dozens of people- this nearly killed him.

While he did survive, it was in a bruised condition. Life has been hard on Mr. Wilson, and he is very delicate.
For these reasons and more, I figured I'd never see Brian perform live. I've seen the other Beach Boys perform a number of times... They do a good job and are plenty talented on their own, but as far as I can tell, the talent of Brian Wilson gives a good group the material and momentum to be a great group. His legacy is the reason we even talk about them these days.

In May, my good friend John Cole called me and asked if I'd be willing to do lighting and staging systems for a Brian Wilson concert in Park City, UT.
Well, that nearly dropped me to the floor- "Of Course" I said. I think I even offered to do it for free.
You see, I have checklists. Brian Wilson has a special place on the 'Never Gonna Happen' list. And to fill in a line on the 'I did this at work today' list. Wow. What an honor.

One thing- John said that due to Mr. Wilson's health (mental and physical) issues, there's always a chance that he wouldn't perform. Sometimes he panics and can't leave the house, sometimes he can't get on a plane. Sometimes he won't leave his hotel room, and sometimes he won't walk onto the stage.
Getting closer to the event, I start becoming nervous. Really? Yes. Schoolgirl, Prom Night, total goobery nervous.
A couple days before the show, we start loading up, I am expecting a cancellation at anytime.
Truck loaded- Leaving now.

The equipment setup is almost identical to the setup last year, when we provided the same elements for The Temptations.
We setup the stuff, get it all working and pack up for the day. We can finish the rest tomorrow.

I haven't heard anything from the band regarding a lighting designer...

Mess

2010-07-04T17:47:00.004-06:00

I spent a very long day recently working a concert.
There will be a pretty extensive post forthcoming on this, but for now this will have to suffice:

I spent half of the day sobbing and sniffling as I worked a show. Not just any show, but a private, small show for one of the legends of rock and roll.

Nobody knew if this gentleman was going to show up for soundcheck. But he did. First. And he stayed until the end.

I was reduced to a puddle from the first instant the band kicked into 'California Girls' it is a bit embarrassing to admit, but this hit me harder than anything has in a very very long time

1,2,3,4

2010-06-19T17:21:00.000-06:00

1. You started it all. I traveled roads unknown and discovered things about the world which previously I could not comprehend.
As things disintegrated, I found myself behaving very badly for a number of years. At one point, you just drove away and disappeared.
I can't help but think that things are better the way they turned out.

2. Toward the end of the bad years, you were there for me. But time was always short. I think we always knew that it was temporary.
You flew away and never came back.

3. Someone I've always wanted but can never have. Again, things are better this way.

4. You came along, we made a pact to fight the dragons together. Still at it. I'm no knight in shining armor, but doing what I can.

I could keep counting for days. Things in my mind are arranged into lists and categories and interconnected relationships. Everyone I've encountered has offered some kind of value and takeaway contribution to my life experience.

As I approach the crest of the hill, I can't help but look at everything in hindsight, as the clarity is so great that direction. "They say life makes sense backwards, only you've gotta live it forward."

Rolling on, pushing forward.

Funked out

2010-06-04T07:39:00.003-06:00

Lately I've been pretty bummed out.

I was looking forward to a good long summer of hard work and U2 concerts- starting with the tour opener in Salt Lake City on June 3rd. Hoping to get to a couple more shows around the US and perhaps in Europe this summer/fall.

But alas- Bongo had to go hurt himself. Cancel the entire US tour.

May 21, as the news broke, the show had already started building in the SLC stadium. At first I took it personally because only SLC was canceled. 4 days later other dates were canned. The early cancellation of SLC was surely to explain why construction of the stage was being reversed.

Now they're saying that there will be shows next year. I remain skeptical- they are all really old. At some point things just stop being worth it.

If the next tour is Bonzo in a wheelchair croaking his way through a greatest hits package, I want a refund.
If they are going to slow down, they might as well stop now.
If this is the end, and it very well could be, what does it mean?

My favorite U2 song (and song in general) is 'Bad'
'Bad' has been played live by U2 475 times. Starting in October of 1984 and most recently played at Soldier Field in Chicago on 9-12-2009. That's the night I had impulsively grabbed my lady and said 'Let's go to Chicago to see a show or two.'
What if they never play 'Bad' again?
'Pride (in the name of love)' was also played for the last time that night. That's the song U2 has played the most over the years- a total of 773 times. It suddenly disappeared and hasn't returned.
"40"- 483 x. Last time was after 'Bad' in Chicago. How long can we sing this song?
'All I Want is You' has only been played 285 times live, but the last time? December 2006 in Hawaii. Yeah. I was there. Feeling a bit guilty.
'Bullet the Blue Sky'? Same night.
'I Will Follow'? (the #2 song on the list at 768) Hawaii.
"Miss Sarajevo'? Honolulu.
'The Fly' Same.

I'm killing them.

Heart Attack

2010-05-21T08:20:00.004-06:00

Morning sounds like birdies chirping. A short but restful night's sleep. A few little slivers of light are peeking in beyond your blackout curtains.

Sometimes I hear your alarm as you get up to go to work. Not today.
Sometimes your morning preparation stirs me. Not today.

I look over and see your head asleep on the pillow. Strange- there's light outside. I check my clock- it's 5:45am. You are late.
I don't want to wake you if you have called in sick.
I stay in bed for a few seconds, I don't hear you breathing. I sit still for what seems like hours, but still hear nothing. 30 seconds later I get up.

Walking to the bathroom, my head is pounding. I don't dare look back. Long minutes of turmoil in the lavatory and I think I'm ready.
Walking out- I crumble to the fear, turning the other way, I embrace the wall.
Walking up and down the hall, I can't bring myself to touch you.
Walking to the window, I see that your car is gone. Your purse too.

Morning sounds like exhaustion, having aged a decade in five minutes.

They're Advertising in the Skies for People Like Us

2010-04-09T18:24:00.004-06:00

I sit in a darkened ballroom in Manhattan.
People file in, the music pumps from a JBL PA system.
The energy grows in the room, as these technology people come here to learn something new about a product.
The song playing is about these people. City of Blinding Lights

1300 New Yorkers. All walking into work just like they do everyday.

9 years ago, they could have died, for nothing more than walking into a room. They all certainly lost friends, family, neighbors.

These are strong people, they are good people. But there's a look in their eyes that I can't comprehend.
It's not defeat.
It's not distrust.
It's not hostility.
It's not happiness.
Something about this place, these people has been permanently changed.
The NYC defining moment of this generation, perhaps of all time was 9/11 at 8:46 am.

They appear wounded. They have a deep pain that will never leave. Why do they exist? How is the present different from the past?

Thinking about this, I start down the path of self-examination.

What was my 9/11?

We Get To Carry Each Other

2010-03-22T20:42:00.002-06:00

I am honestly excited and honored to be a part of the impending changes to the US healthcare system.
The old system- corrupt, bloated and inefficient- needs to be put away. New ideas, reorganization and fresh thinking must be the future.

We get a chance to live it.
And I'm really excited about that. "...We get to carry each other..."

I am shocked at the reaction so many self-proclaimed Christians have had to this. It's like they feel that charity is only charity if it's their idea.
Well I'm of the opinion that making it a more mandatory (or universal) system makes it more fair. Everyone pays into it via taxes. People that can afford it will also pay into the insurance plans. Less fortunate people will have the same chances of decent medical care as the wealthy.
And that's the way it should be.

I hope to see the time that the poor, the minorities, the HIV positive, the cancer survivors, the women who have difficulty with fertility, the diabetics and the lepers will no longer be denied service. That time is close at hand.

"...Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me...."

It's not OK for us to bankrupt Jesus and let him die in pain.

I'm still here

2010-03-19T14:57:00.002-06:00

Just kinda busy.

I have plenty of ideas for blog posts, but they usually get whisked away in impulsive acts of Facebook status posting.

I will strive to do better.

-self criticizing as usual-

~P

Into The Black

2010-02-10T07:26:00.002-07:00

I feel like I'm shouting into the darkness here.
In a strange way, the only reason I write here is for some kind of affirmation that I am not alone here in this deafening silence.

Livin' on the...

2010-01-30T11:34:00.000-07:00

I've noticed lately that I spend my life under the following dichotomy:

Internally, I feel like I am way ahead of the cutting edge. My ideas, art, mind, drive and motivation is edgy, progressive and different
Externally, it always seems that I'm a bit behind the curve. I've been 5 minutes late to most of the major events of my life.

Spending so much time straddling the edge of life, I fear falling and bruising the berries.

Lineage

2010-01-29T20:53:00.002-07:00

I wonder if the source of my parental conflict growing up was being the oldest child of a middle child.

Loves

2010-01-22T13:43:00.000-07:00

Nacho Night.

Dear Friends

2010-01-17T21:21:00.002-07:00

Please don't be unhappy.
Know that there are people that care about you and wish for you to be well.
Silence does not mean that I am uncaring or oblivious. Rather it represents my intimidation and a crippling fear of crossing boundaries.
I have an unending amount of desire to be the support that you need, but life prevents that. I hope you understand.
I wish to be the resource for advice.
I need to be the one you trust.
When given the chance, I promise to be strong, to help, to give you everything I have.
You will make it.
We will make it.
In the end of it all, we will stand strong with pride and the knowledge that we fought like hell and made more of life than was expected.
You are so important to me. Please find the answers to your questions.

Oh no!

2010-01-13T13:45:00.002-07:00

No breakfast+2 lunch margaritas=sleepy me and getting nothing done all afternoon and a raging headache.

gotta get a new vice

What is wrong with people?

2010-01-11T19:32:00.002-07:00

Why am I the only person that is right?
There are so many people in the world that are so obviously incorrect about nearly everything.
When I go out into public, all that I know for certain is that people around me are making mistakes left and right.
When I stay in, mistakes are made.
My opinion is the only one that matters, all others can be dismissed. Be gone.
There's no way that anybody can be nearly as right as me.
I read things. I watch things. I fabricate my opinions from a conglomeration of sources, none of which need to be fact-checked. I proclaim my opinion as fact and fall back on logical fallacies when I am challenged.
I am shallow, obvious, insincere, backstabbing, stunted, arrogant.

And I am the only person that is right.

Punctuation Storm

2010-01-07T12:24:00.006-07:00

OK people, it's not that hard.
Adding an S to the end of a word does NOT NOT NOT automatically mean you add an apostrophe to the word also.

It makes me physically ill to see these little buggers misused. I can't patronize a business that has bad apostrophication on any printed material, online presence or signage. And I've been known to go rogue vandal on blatant misuse. Now you know the real reason I carry around a Sharpie™. Perhaps I could start packing around a bottle of Wite-Out™.

The three purposes of a Fapostrophe:

to form possessives of nouns
to show the omission of letters
to indicate certain plurals of lowercase letters (this is more typographical than grammatical, and rarely used)

Notice it doesn't say "to add an S to any damn word you want."

Possessives: John's t-shirt. Katherine's breakfast. Waldorf's salad. Richard's car.
Think of it this way: "Whose (not who's) car?"
Ommision of letters: does not = don't. can not = can't. 1969 = '69

My own grammatical sin is to use an apostrophe rather than a quotation mark. So shoot me-I'm not afraid of dying.... Oh yeah- I like to use every punctuation mark known to man (and woman) at least once per paragraph! And I make up words. Can you even believe the nerve? At least I don't see an S and immediately tack on a highly placed comma.

It's (<--- see how correct I am?) really simple.
That reminds me:
It's and its are different.
Your, You're. know the difference?
There, Their, They're. Still with me?

Jiminy Christmas. It really is difficult to communicate with people that do not even comprehend the most basic elements of the language they purport to speak.

What can I say to that? What the hell is a PK? And don't you think that "Emo's" have enough to worry about?
At least they got Loud Mouth Women, Effeminate Men and High Fullutent Sophisticated Swine right.

Filterless

2010-01-06T12:35:00.002-07:00

A new year, a new take on the blog.
I am going to make this an accurate picture of the stuff that passes through my mind.
This post should serve as a warning, I am going to certainly say things that some people are sure to find offensive. If you are in this category of readers, please stop, walk away and go to a place that makes you happy.

You've asked me to stop holding back, let's see how long you all can last.

-P

Last Post...

2009-12-30T21:53:00.004-07:00

...of the year. #50 here at the new R&R

And what a year it has been.

I have learned so much about the people around me. While I don't think I've figured out life's mysteries, I certainly feel more enlightened and informed by the chance to live such an eventful life.

Thanks to everyone who helped me through some rough and tumble times. And thanks to those who trusted me with your deepest, darkest secrets.

See you all on the other side...