A few friends and I worked for a couple years at Hardees in Provo, UT. There are so many stories I wish I could tell, but time has clouded my memory, and the statute of limitations (as well as a basic sense of decency) prohibits me from relating all of the events that took place.
I never again in my life want to smell, touch, taste or even imagine the monstrosity known as the Hardee's Cinnamon 'N' Raisin Biscuit.
Nasty!
We used to spend tremendous amounts of time there at night, I'm pretty sure I saw the sun come up there more than half the days of 1989- either because I was working or because I was camped out in the booth near the window staying up all night.... or both.
We used to make all sorts of custom food- partially to keep ourselves entertained, and partly to stay nourished.
Biscuit Deluxe: Hardees flagship burger was the Big Deluxe: Bun, Mayo, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, Burger, Cheese, Bun. We took it to the extreme by making the sandwiches on biscuits at 4am.
Pizza Biscuit: They liked to mess with the menu at Hardees- one day they decided that they would add the 'Pizza Burger'- a burger with marinara sauce and some kind of white cheese. We made biscuits out of the same- although they were really nasty with the breakfast sausage patties. Really good with either the 10:1 patties or no meat. The cheese was good if you tripled it. Estimated calories per sandwich: 600. Also good biscuits and gravy style.
Death Biscuit: We called the plain kiddie hamburger the Death Burger. When it was transferred to the secret breakfast menu, it became the Death Biscuit. (Also of course the Cheesy Death Biscuit) If you've never had catsup, pickles and mustard for breakfast, you are missing out.
Big Mac Biscuit: (don't ask)
Chicken Cordon Biscuit: a Hot Ham and Cheese portion with a Breakfast Chicken and some additional 'Swiss' cheese.
Shroom and Swiss Biscuit: Mushroom sauce, 'Swiss', Sausage, Biscuit. Heaven on earth. Hell on the digestive system.
Then there was the time that we converted an entire case of lollipops (the candy for the kiddie meals) into Death Lollies.
Strangely enough, that was the name of a fantastic local electro-punk band of that era.
One of my blood brothers was fond of referring to paper napkins as 'Masculine Napkins' - a play on some kind of feminine hygiene product... Anyway. Once we went through stacks of napkins and drew the Mars symbol
(also the symbol for masculinity and the male gender) on approx every 8th napkin. Sometimes we would draw the Death Mars.
The napkins were then placed in the dispensers. It was an awesome study of human behavior. Occasionally you'd even get a smart customer who would get the joke...
A friend (same guy) and I had a little game we liked to play called 'Running from the Cops'- the objective was to... well.... run from the cops. We didn't break the law. I swear. All you had to do, when stumbling upon law enforcement at 2am, was to look shady or suspicious until the officer saw you, then run like hell in the direction that they had the least chance of catching you.
(Summer 1989 was the year that University Avenue was torn up for reconstruction, so it was actually easy to get away... they had to drive literally miles to get to the other side)
If the cop or copette ever cornered you, they would ask 'Why are you running?' and the answer was 'Because I need exercise' or 'Because I want to' or 'Walking is too slow' or some such smartypants answer. It was pretty much an attempt to get us into a place where we could ask the cop to show us why it was illegal for a person over the age of 18 to go jogging anytime they wanted to. It's quite gratifying to ask a member of law enforcement 'You got a problem with that?'
Anyway- the inevitable destination after a hearty round of Running from the Cops was... wait for it.... Hardees.
One night we bailed from the law, managed to ditch him and made to home base- we celebrated our triumph with a twist cone and a gigantic cup of carbonated beverage. As I was making my self a twist cone deluxe, an order came through the drive through speaker- one twist cone. so I whipped it up, walked it over to the window and holy &^*@!! there was Officer Not-So-Friendly, looking me right in the face. I nearly pooped a brick.
He didn't recognize me. But I slept with my back to the wall for days....
1 comment:
Death Lollies rule!
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