Response to Porter to a very long ago comment

So I'm very slow in publishing this, which was written in reply to a comment on this blog post.

In response to your comment:
I don't feel judged. Anything but that. You are capable of real discussion about this topic without becoming swamped in emotion and hyperbole, regardless of your personal views on the topic(s) at hand.
As you surmised, my divergence from the Mormon church took place some time ago. (Many years, I'm not going to get too specific here, just wanting to let you know that it took place some time ago and happened very quickly- not related to the mission thing whatsoever.)
As I went through life for several years without fully processing, analyzing and moving past the issues I had with the church, I realized I had some big issues that needed to be resolved. Some of these I've been wrestling for over 30 years.
To grow up being taught that one thing is 'everything' - now and forever- and then to find that it isn't. It takes a long process to work through the steps of getting out.
Some have compared this process to the Kubler-Ross model of grieving. It took me many years to get past the first step of the process, which is denial. Now I'm in the angry phase. The rest of the process will go more quickly. I hope. I don't have 60 years to invest in the healing process.
If the church works for you, please participate in it. But be aware that no church or any organization has a corner on the market of morality, decent living, loving the neighbor, goodwill or anything else that many LDS seem to think is exclusive to the Mormon faith. I've been asked, both directly and indirectly: "How can you make moral and good choices without being an active member?" The answer is simple, and it may be surprising to some, but being a decent, moral person feels much more natural and effortless being on 'this side' without the church looking over my shoulder for every decision. For example: I'll never be asked to 'Lie for the Lord' ever again, nor will I be pressured into donating money to a cause I may disagree with- and if the pressure comes, I can stand under my own power and defend my position.
I am very glad that you have 'carved out your own place' in the church. That is great, because I think you are strong and intelligent enough to stand up for yourself if the going gets tough.
You seem like the kind of guy who a) smites fear into the gospel doctrine teachers because of your advanced debate and discussion skills- and b) never gets to teach the gospel doctrine class, because the bishop fears what you might say. Here's something I must say to that: You are not alone. There are thousands of people who don't believe 100% that stay somewhat attached to the church for a variety of reasons, and that's OK.
There's a place in Mormonism for everyone, from the most devout believer through the most bitter anti-Mormon. There are dozens of definitions that people use to describe the level of activity and/or belief in the church:
More active: TBM (True Believing Mormon) or Iron Rod Mormon- people that believe in the literal truth of every doctrinal twist and turn of Mormon theology.
Apologists- a group of people that might know about some of the disputed elements of the doctrine, or the historical issues- but use every mind-bending bit of logic-defying energy they have to defend and promote the church as a perfect (or nearly perfect) group.
In the middle, we have the Social or Liahona Mormon- believes some of the doctrine, but not everything. Sticks around because it is socially convenient to do so, or uses the church as a 'compass.' Semi liberal about their beliefs, but still consider themselves members.
The Cafeteria (or Buffet) Mormon takes what they like from the arrangement of doctrinal offerings, leaving the rest sitting under the heatlamps.
Sunstone/Dialogue Mormons are the intellectuals- they read all the history, they know all of the dirty dark secrets. Most of them probably own a hardbound copy of the Journal of Discourses and have actually read it. Despite their knowledge of the details, they still believe for whatever reason. There are a whole bunch of BYU humanities faculty that fit this description. They are active, recommend holding members that believe the doctrine, but could discuss in detail at the drop of a hat: Joseph Smith's multiple wives- including the polyandry, Brigham Young's racist speeches, the time Lorenzo Snow spent in jail for polygamy, or the church's position on ERA, abortion, Prop. 8, beards on men and multiple ear piercings on women.
New Order Mormons generally don't believe most or all of the doctrine, but continue to attend for a variety of reasons. Sometimes caller 'Foyer Mormons', these people accompany their parents, spouses, children and siblings to church- often to 'keep up appearances' and often to 'keep the peace.'
Paper Mormons- these are people who are largely gone, but their names remain on the church records. Some of these kinds of members are inactive, drink, smoke, enjoy coffee- yet when someone asks them, they define themselves as LDS, even so much as to defend the church and its leaders.
Then we have the other extreme: the PostMormons- mostly resigned, excommunicated, etc- but still working through their loss and the change in their life. Often PostMos offer their advice and knowledge to people who are newly considering leaving.
ExMormons are the same as the PostMos, but a bit more cynical. Less forgiving to the church leaders and the faults of the organization.
And then we have the AntiMormons. these people are usually evangelical extremists that think the Mormon dogma is so wrong that it must be replaced by another version of the same dogma. Kinda like an argument on what is the better color: blue or green.

So to wrap this up- there are tons of places for different types of people in and around the church. I have mine, it is somewhere toward the bottom of that list... But it is ever-changing.
I feel the need to vent this information, to take a public stand. Both for my own recovery and to offer assistance/dialogue/awareness to my friends and family that might need this information.
It hurts me very badly to see people, intelligent people, follow the LDS church when it is so clearly not what it claims to be. Simple academic research can prove that the leaders are and were lying about things.
Being physically embedded in Mo-Town has been a huge factor in my staying quiet for so long. But now integrity, honesty and relieving frustration are more important than remaining silent. Am I happy about it? No. Right now I'm still angry. And I'm screaming my lungs out. But this will pass. I will find my happy place.
There is no 'simply walking away.' It is impossible.