I'm glad that is finally over

A very eventful month, to say the least.

I am strangely tuned, perked up at the coming life experiences. I'm not sure what these experiences are going to hold for me. I don't even know what these experiences are going to be.

When one loses a friend, it is painful. I've lost plenty under many different circumstances.
Somehow losing James has been more pointedly painful than anyone before. Probably because he was more of a peer than anyone I've lost before. I see my reflection in him and his influence is everywhere on all things I see and do.
I think that the ultimate result of this is yet to be determined, there are too many things happening and still unresolved in the healing process to know how it will end..

Maybe what bugs me is that I'm afraid that his fate could be mine, since our lives have been so parallel all these years. Somewhat divergent lately, but parallel nevertheless.
Maybe I don't want anyone to ever feel like this ever again. What can I do to help this never happen?
Maybe I wish that this whole thing had never happened and that we were back in the innocent time before.

For the first day or two I was overwhelmed, I am glad that I had things to do- had I been able to sit around and contemplate what was going on I probably would have been really sad and dysfunctionally upset. I still unfortunately had too much solo time and was alone too much- this caused me to go through many stages of grief and mourning- all of which are healthy- I just wish I never had to do this.
After the first couple days, we all did the viewing/funeral thing. It was a very cleansing experience- it felt so good to have a chance to see and mourn with all my friends and family. There were so many moving and powerful experiences that I couldn't possibly ever explain or articulate what they were. You're going to have to believe me. Or perhaps you were there and know what I'm talking about.
Since the funeral, things have gradually moved back toward normal. I still feel a constant aching and a sense of loss, the emptiness isn't going away. It's a little bit better, but I think about it all day every day. Maybe I should develop an addiction or habit to fill the hole.

I think that the heaviness of the first few days of the month weighed over the rest of things, which were overall quite positive and productive.
I have had success and productivity at work, the family is holding together and growing. Some exciting business prospects have appeared recently- this really excites me.
Yet all the relative goodness is balanced out by the events of the first few days of October. The month has been a neutral month at best.

Moving on, moving forward. Looking to the horizon for answers.

A Correction

Dear Parents:
I have to correct you on something you said to me repeatedly during my adolescence (notably in March of 1988- don't ask how/why I remember.)
I was hanging out with a rag-tag bunch of guys (and girls) who were overly creative and underly productive. A misfit bunch of dreamers and weirdos. Interesting characters to be sure.

The supposition was that I would only have my friends for a short time and then they would work themselves into their own lives, leaving me dangling and alone.... I thought at the time it was a scare tactic designed to pressure me into the arms of the family and the church.

Well, here we are in 2010. 21 years since the big earthquake in San Francisco. I have traveled a fairly funky road. Things in my world aren't quite 'normal' according to the norms of society. But the one thing I notice is this:
I still have my friends. The same friends. Some of them for well over 25 years.
We spend time together, we talk on the phone.
We travel together.
Our spouses are friends.
Our children are friends.
I have no hesitation entrusting my children to my friends. They feel the same about me.
My friends are authorized to check my kids out of school.
My children are encouraged to talk to my adult friends as if they are peers or siblings.
My friends know how to get into my house if they need something.
I know the same about them. I've never raided their cookie stash, but it is comforting that I could. Being cookieless is a dismal state. (stay out of my cookies, Lester)
My friends and I have good relationships with each others extended families. We socialize and fraternize with them.
I have handed my newborn children to my friends, and they have reciprocated.
In recent developments, I am carrying my friends to their graves, and in due time, it will be my turn. My friends will bury me if I don't bury them first. I have no doubt of this.

The friendships I have with these people have been going on for nearly 30 years, yet I don't feel like we are even halfway there.

You see, we aren't all that strange after all. We are not quite the same as most people, but the thing that makes us different is that we found a tribe of like-minded individuals and we stuck with it.

I can't say I trust any family members the same way.

Perhaps this is because my family never trusted me to make these kind of decisions for myself.
I've realized recently that your actions were in fact scare tactics designed to drive me terrified and submissively into the arms of your reality. I apologize if you feel like I've rejected you, but I'd like to let you know that I'm continuing on down this road, me and my tribe.

Say Something

anything...

You're as tight as a hunter's trap
Hidden well, what are you concealing
Poker face, carved in stone
Amongst friends, but all alone
Why do you hide

Say something, say something, anything
I've shown you everything
Give me a sign
Say something, say something, anything
Your silence is deafening
Pay me in kind

Take a drug to set you free
Strange fruit from a forbidden tree
You've got to come down soon
More than a drug is what I need
Need a change of scenery

Need a new life

Say something, say something anything
I've shown you everything
Give me a sign
Say something, say something, anything
Your silence is deafening
Pay me in kind

Say something

Come on now
Reach out
You're not alone in this world
You're not alone in this world
Show me your mind.

You're not alone in this world
You're not alone in this world
Show me your mind
Open your mind
Step outside of yourself
See something else

I'm open, wide open
I'm so open, wide open
I'm turning to you to get me through
Hoping to see something new for me

I'm open wide, open wondering
Have you swallowed everything
Pay me in kind

For James

James- it's nice to talk to you, it has been too long.
How's life treating you? You look well. Things OK? You sure? You know if you ever need anything I'm here for you.

Are you thirsty? I could sure go for a chocolate milk right now- I've got lots of things to say and I hope this conversation takes a long time. Get two, it's always a bit better after you've carried it around in your pocket for a while.

Remember that time that we were walking around? The hundreds of night walks we went out that one year? All the dreams and things we were going to do?
Fishing boats to Europe, then walk until our boots wore out? You seemed to think that your Army surplus combat boots couldn't ever wear out, so you'd be walking Europe forever. Why didn't we do that? Girls. I blame the girls.
What about the day we fell asleep on the sidewalk waiting for the sunrise? Falling asleep just in time to miss it? A whole lot of waiting around for nothing I think you said. Your sense of efficiency is admirable.
My parents still talk about the time that you came over and acted out Khrushchev's "We Will Bury You" speech. That was classic stuff. Good effect with the shoe pounding on the table.
You still reading those fairy tales? I just don't get it. I mean, don't get me wrong, but I just don't see the appeal. You did get me to read The Hobbit. Cool stuff. I wish you had told me that there were 3 more books to finish the story. Sheesh- what a marathon. You tricked me.

James, you know what I think is the best thing about you? Your perceptive intuition. You have such a fine ability to look at someone and know exactly what they are about, to know what they need. Some people call it mind-reading, some call it mind-games. I just think it is just amazing. You taught me many years ago that it was possible to be sensitive to hints, feelings and body language. Your non-verbal communication skills are second to none and I thank you for sharing some of that with me.
Remember in the olden days when we used to listen to music and occasionally you'd get so excited by what you were hearing that you'd jump out of your chair and start exclaiming, singing and dancing? My favorite part of that was the aftermath: you would walk around for days with that song in the front of your mind and occasionally you'd burst out into song. Awesome.

Speaking of music, I've been listening to a band lately that reminds me of the old times- a bunch of memories tied to this one- it seems that you and I listened to these guys more than any of my other friends- I think it was because they were all out on missions at the time we saw something on MTV. Anyway- the band is called James- remember them? They have been doing some new stuff that's pretty good. Stuff that makes me jump out of my chair and start singing. They're coming to Salt Lake pretty soon, I have a ticket for you if you want to go.

Then there was the day I joined the Acappella Choir in 1988- you took me under your far more experienced wing and gave me the skills training necessary to sing that abominable high part in the Hallelujah Chorus. In fact, I vividly remember taking our newly polished skills on tour and doing a trio version of the whole Chorus for our families and you insisting that everyone stand up when it was performed. Who else was there? Was it Joel Hill? Anyway- thanks for helping me out and making me understand that no matter what I did I was never, ever going to hit those high notes without cheating.

Then there was the time(s) standing on the stage during "The King and I" and singing the lyrics to Bauhaus and Bunnymen songs to the tune of the monk's chant? Brower had no idea. Tee hee.

Lyrics- that's really the whole story isn't it? I am very open and vocal about my stunted communication skills, but am able to express with great accuracy by using lyrics. You taught me that.
And can you remember the first time we heard the 'new' Echo and the Bunnymen with the imposter singer? I don't think I have ever seen you look more disgusted.

My passion for all things black and white, for the contrasts and shadows, this love was refined and developed during the years we spent together, pontificating upon everything. What a great time we used to have. I resent that life has interjected her cruel time-sucking tentacles into our playtime.

I could go on all night. But you have somewhere to be. I have places to be.
Any chance we can do this again soon? I really enjoy your company and really could use the recreation from time to time.

I'm really bad at walking away at the end of a conversation- so I usually have to walk away in silence. But right now I don't want this to end. I can spare a bit more time.

You need to take off? OK. Cool.

Please let me know if you need anything. It's great to hang with you as always, and I mean that. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.

Take care.

Walking away. In silence.

really.

i swear i will shut up eventually.